~Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Exploration through a Child's Eyes.
Published Monday, January 30, 2006.
[Noelyci is godfather to two of his sister's children, both force sensitive and inquisitive.]
His hair looks like his moms... shorter, but full and shiny. He bounced off the shuttle like a typical 10 year old. No matter what his actual age is. I'm glad Z. let me take him out. She's been careful and I don't blame her but he shouldn't be oversheltered... it wouldn't do.
He looked around with eyes as big as saucers. Not sure what tales Colin stuck in his head on the way over. Wouldn't be surprised if he let him drive a bit either. It's the way we all seem to learn. I asked him what he thought... and though he answered brave I could tell he was a bit scared by the whole situation. It was good he was... he instinctively felt the nature of the use this scared bit of moon had been through. We talked about how something had been used up, how the negative flows influenced what we felt.
Of course he related it back to tinkering with electronics... I'm actually proud of the kid. I like to tinker too so it was easy to tell him a bit about the flow and how it worked. He actually understands better than most...
Watching him walk along the ruined wall was nice. Reminded me of field trips from the orphanage. I'm sure Z. would have had a heart attack if she'd seen him that high up without me in catching distance... though I could have caught him with the force if need be. His fear went away quickly... but his hesitance to use those tactics should remain.
Was nice to see a child that wasn't scared too badly by the war.... there are so few left.
His hair looks like his moms... shorter, but full and shiny. He bounced off the shuttle like a typical 10 year old. No matter what his actual age is. I'm glad Z. let me take him out. She's been careful and I don't blame her but he shouldn't be oversheltered... it wouldn't do.
He looked around with eyes as big as saucers. Not sure what tales Colin stuck in his head on the way over. Wouldn't be surprised if he let him drive a bit either. It's the way we all seem to learn. I asked him what he thought... and though he answered brave I could tell he was a bit scared by the whole situation. It was good he was... he instinctively felt the nature of the use this scared bit of moon had been through. We talked about how something had been used up, how the negative flows influenced what we felt.
Of course he related it back to tinkering with electronics... I'm actually proud of the kid. I like to tinker too so it was easy to tell him a bit about the flow and how it worked. He actually understands better than most...
Watching him walk along the ruined wall was nice. Reminded me of field trips from the orphanage. I'm sure Z. would have had a heart attack if she'd seen him that high up without me in catching distance... though I could have caught him with the force if need be. His fear went away quickly... but his hesitance to use those tactics should remain.
Was nice to see a child that wasn't scared too badly by the war.... there are so few left.
Corporate citizen...
Published Friday, January 27, 2006.
[Noelyci founded a company, later blackmailed out of it... He's coming back to reclaim what was his.]
I'm back... had to resign my commission to do it, but I'll never stop being what I am. An intelligence operative and analyst. Even more so now with my gifts... I had a hard time writing the letter to the High Command of the 7th. I don't like leaving behind the community, though they will still be friends and commrades, I won't be included in the planning, the quiet get-togethers. I've seen it before.
But, my family, my employees, the foundation I built is being threatened... and I truly don't believe Nicolye knows how to fight a war. He's a competent manager and I hope it doesn't come down to a battle over what's mine. I founded the company to protect those under my care, those I had obligations to. It's time to reveal the strength inherent in that vow. He can't do that...
Commander C. of the Imperial Garrison near Amethyst Vale was a bit put out that I was using the public communications channel of that city. Accused me of pirating the signal. I took great pleasure in telling him I was a corporate citizen and had the right to use it. The poor man really can't engage in a battle of wits worth a damn. I had him sputtering like a holo-comedy copper. It really was quite an amusing bit of time. He bears keeping an eye on of course... but he's easy to distract...
J. had a bit of a problem with me coming back, thought I had come to take something away from Nicolye. It's funny, she talked on an open comm channel when she took the trouble to have him hide it from the rest of the company... most likely Z. Of course, I have an obligation to Z., my sister, but I recognize the need for everyone to keep secrets and gently commed her privately to let her know her rashness... she accepted it well... I think I may have turned her into an ally by telling her more than most know about how I was forced out in the first place. That may have been unwise.
Ah the trials of citizenship...
I'm back... had to resign my commission to do it, but I'll never stop being what I am. An intelligence operative and analyst. Even more so now with my gifts... I had a hard time writing the letter to the High Command of the 7th. I don't like leaving behind the community, though they will still be friends and commrades, I won't be included in the planning, the quiet get-togethers. I've seen it before.
But, my family, my employees, the foundation I built is being threatened... and I truly don't believe Nicolye knows how to fight a war. He's a competent manager and I hope it doesn't come down to a battle over what's mine. I founded the company to protect those under my care, those I had obligations to. It's time to reveal the strength inherent in that vow. He can't do that...
Commander C. of the Imperial Garrison near Amethyst Vale was a bit put out that I was using the public communications channel of that city. Accused me of pirating the signal. I took great pleasure in telling him I was a corporate citizen and had the right to use it. The poor man really can't engage in a battle of wits worth a damn. I had him sputtering like a holo-comedy copper. It really was quite an amusing bit of time. He bears keeping an eye on of course... but he's easy to distract...
J. had a bit of a problem with me coming back, thought I had come to take something away from Nicolye. It's funny, she talked on an open comm channel when she took the trouble to have him hide it from the rest of the company... most likely Z. Of course, I have an obligation to Z., my sister, but I recognize the need for everyone to keep secrets and gently commed her privately to let her know her rashness... she accepted it well... I think I may have turned her into an ally by telling her more than most know about how I was forced out in the first place. That may have been unwise.
Ah the trials of citizenship...
The Vision of Others...
Published .
[Noelyci is a Seer, a force user uniquely gifted in foresight and foretelling.]
Something's coming.... something big. Others are getting visions of darkness and death. Sh., Ki., even Devia. I've seen it, can't quite tell where it's coming from, but I'm making moves to protect my own even so. I'm taking Advent back... it's mine and Nicolye dosen't know how to fight a war. I do.
Somethings coming.... it'll have to go through me.
Something's coming.... something big. Others are getting visions of darkness and death. Sh., Ki., even Devia. I've seen it, can't quite tell where it's coming from, but I'm making moves to protect my own even so. I'm taking Advent back... it's mine and Nicolye dosen't know how to fight a war. I do.
Somethings coming.... it'll have to go through me.
Unity...
Published Wednesday, January 25, 2006.
[Noelyci and Devia are attending the marriage ceremony of R. & S. jedi and friends.]
It really was a lovely ceremony. R. & S. wrote lovely vows and they truly came from the heart... their words floating through the air above the Grand Theater...
"Since the first time i came to Aegis and was introduced to you... Ive always had that feeling of admiration towards you. Though your presence always made me a bit shy, I've always wanted to have the chance to get to know you better. Things happened in my life, I got married and you were there by the side of my late husband and after that we kinda always found ourselves fighting and defending our beliefs together. Then you dissappeared... Went away to find yourself. The day I saw you were back... Oh my, How exciting it was for me to see my old friend and ally back to life, I was impatient to see you again."
Her words were perfect... almost ignoring the fact that she was standing in front of all those people. Devia and I were in the audiance. Neither of us caring if we were seen together... By silent agreement we'd stopped caring about regulations. I held her hand as we listened to our friends make their union official. She squeezed my hand... I could feel the bride's word resonate with something in her... I was trying not to take away from somebody else's day, ours would come. Although I was looking forward to dancing with her later, no matter how she teased me about it.
"...together... Finally i was getting to know you, know the true you and i fell in love with you. I promise to always be by your side, be your friend, your lover, Yours... I love you."
She stopped and after he cleared his throat he began his vows...
"You are what makes sense to me. For the entirety of my life I have been a lost soul searching... a soldier of sorts fighting for no real reason other than knowing nothing else... these fights led me to you and for that I regret no path that I have tread... You have been the sunrise that I open my eyes for on every morn. Without you all is darkness for me, I love you immensely and I always will. The vows I take will be forever..."
I was reveling in the feel of the new clothes Devia had made for me. White and green to match her amazing gown, looking around at friends and family that had made it to the occasion. I noticed an Alliance Patrol mentioning to his buddy that it hadn't been a bad shift so far... Made me chuckle thinking about some of my shifts on patrol. Devia's skin felt as soft as the silk she lined my vest in... I'm sure some noticed we were together... but again nobody wanted to detract from the day. All in all it was a good day... a beautiful day... but I did catch a hint of worry from my beloved that not many would show up to ours when we got there. That may be... but I still want to publicly announce it... prove it to her... stand up and say here I stand.
Too long I've held myself to the shadows. With this I can't... my feelings couldn't be hidden anyway.
It really was a lovely ceremony. R. & S. wrote lovely vows and they truly came from the heart... their words floating through the air above the Grand Theater...
"Since the first time i came to Aegis and was introduced to you... Ive always had that feeling of admiration towards you. Though your presence always made me a bit shy, I've always wanted to have the chance to get to know you better. Things happened in my life, I got married and you were there by the side of my late husband and after that we kinda always found ourselves fighting and defending our beliefs together. Then you dissappeared... Went away to find yourself. The day I saw you were back... Oh my, How exciting it was for me to see my old friend and ally back to life, I was impatient to see you again."
Her words were perfect... almost ignoring the fact that she was standing in front of all those people. Devia and I were in the audiance. Neither of us caring if we were seen together... By silent agreement we'd stopped caring about regulations. I held her hand as we listened to our friends make their union official. She squeezed my hand... I could feel the bride's word resonate with something in her... I was trying not to take away from somebody else's day, ours would come. Although I was looking forward to dancing with her later, no matter how she teased me about it.
"...together... Finally i was getting to know you, know the true you and i fell in love with you. I promise to always be by your side, be your friend, your lover, Yours... I love you."
She stopped and after he cleared his throat he began his vows...
"You are what makes sense to me. For the entirety of my life I have been a lost soul searching... a soldier of sorts fighting for no real reason other than knowing nothing else... these fights led me to you and for that I regret no path that I have tread... You have been the sunrise that I open my eyes for on every morn. Without you all is darkness for me, I love you immensely and I always will. The vows I take will be forever..."
I was reveling in the feel of the new clothes Devia had made for me. White and green to match her amazing gown, looking around at friends and family that had made it to the occasion. I noticed an Alliance Patrol mentioning to his buddy that it hadn't been a bad shift so far... Made me chuckle thinking about some of my shifts on patrol. Devia's skin felt as soft as the silk she lined my vest in... I'm sure some noticed we were together... but again nobody wanted to detract from the day. All in all it was a good day... a beautiful day... but I did catch a hint of worry from my beloved that not many would show up to ours when we got there. That may be... but I still want to publicly announce it... prove it to her... stand up and say here I stand.
Too long I've held myself to the shadows. With this I can't... my feelings couldn't be hidden anyway.
Tai Shan
Published Friday, January 20, 2006.
I don't know how I missed this one... so much research into what I am, where I came from... and I never even heard this word. Not surprising really... zabrak's are notoriously close mouthed about their culture and this is an extemely private thing. Here's what the few medical & linguistic journals I could find said about it:
"Pairing involves the custom of Tai Shan, which is based upon the use of the acute sense of smell to recognize compatible pheromones secreted by a female (and rarely a male) as a subtle scent or musk, which leads to a rapid attraction and then to successful pairing for life. Matched pheromones create chemicals with powerful aphrodisiac properties which lead to very rapid courtship and stable life bonds being undertaken....Under certain conditions, these bio-chemicals cause mind expanding drugs to be manufactured within the bodies of the paired couple. When ingested by each from the other, the drug enhances power derived from the Force and generates a transcendental state of being which reinforces the pair-bond during the mating process..."
Makes sense on a clinical level... but they have no idea... I asked Devia what it meant when she called me it with her mind. She said it was hard to translate... High Zabrak which isn't common out here on the outer rim.... even I speak a basterdized lower form... it's just easier... but the concept behind it is one of completion. Two halves of the same soul finding one another again. It's amazing how much easier it is to commune with the force when I'm with her... I truly do feel complete.
I told her I felt like I loved her before I knew her... she smiled and whispered in the back of my mind. "That's what Tai Shan means."
"Pairing involves the custom of Tai Shan, which is based upon the use of the acute sense of smell to recognize compatible pheromones secreted by a female (and rarely a male) as a subtle scent or musk, which leads to a rapid attraction and then to successful pairing for life. Matched pheromones create chemicals with powerful aphrodisiac properties which lead to very rapid courtship and stable life bonds being undertaken....Under certain conditions, these bio-chemicals cause mind expanding drugs to be manufactured within the bodies of the paired couple. When ingested by each from the other, the drug enhances power derived from the Force and generates a transcendental state of being which reinforces the pair-bond during the mating process..."
Makes sense on a clinical level... but they have no idea... I asked Devia what it meant when she called me it with her mind. She said it was hard to translate... High Zabrak which isn't common out here on the outer rim.... even I speak a basterdized lower form... it's just easier... but the concept behind it is one of completion. Two halves of the same soul finding one another again. It's amazing how much easier it is to commune with the force when I'm with her... I truly do feel complete.
I told her I felt like I loved her before I knew her... she smiled and whispered in the back of my mind. "That's what Tai Shan means."
Acceptance...
Published Thursday, January 19, 2006.
[Noelyci is speaking with Devia Darkrider, a friend and companion, they've been dancing around commitment to each other for quite a while. From his perspective he loves her, but dosen't want to hurt her.]
She's sleeping now... I can't stop smiling remembering our conversation...
I started sipping my scotch rather then using it to avoid seeing the faces... they were fading anyway. She was beautiful, as always... told me she'd had one of those rare lazy days, enjoying the sunlight on her face... the fire she'd made... she seemed truly at peace in that place, where she used to camp with her pets. I felt pain, and a commitment to justice, but not regret... not the mind numbing regret that I always feared for her... feared for myself.
I realized I was standing on that cliff, and that she was once again my lifeline... don't know if she understood that she was ever that to me. I remember when I recovered her after the loss of her pets. She was distraught, thought her life had no meaning since she'd lost her children when I found her she was curled in a fetal position and had decided to die... Living in a nightmare... I used what she taught me to talk to her in that dream... and she made the choice to come back from that place. I had to make a concious choice to allow myself to be talked down... but she does that better then anyone... always has.
We talked about what I had done, the murder, the quiet battles that the target never saw coming. The balancing act I put myself through, to know that what I do is monstrous in it's act. To regret.... it takes something from me each time.... some part of the scale in my heart must be balanced... it's why I spend so much time in the mountains away from the unit now... meditating, repairing my heart. It was strange, but spending time with the beautiful woman, who I had been so worried about... did more for me then a week hiking the trails. That realization floored me... We'd been taking comfort in each other so long... while avoiding more permanent commitments.
I do love her... have even told her... I've been coming round to the idea that maybe my actions don't invalidate my deservedness. Maybe taking comfort in someone you love, for the rest of your life, has nothing to do with what you've done in the past or what you have to do...
There was still a concern... our conversation had moved to what was holding us back from peace... she said that she wished I would allow her to help... with the stormtroopers, the balance, the teaching... whatever. The unspoken message came through our mental link anyway. She just wanted to be with me... knowing what I'd been, was, and probably would be... she didn't see a monster, she would do whatever nessecary to spend part of her life with me. Somewhat surprisingly, my heart answered just as strongly... but there was still a voice in the back of my head...
I believe I asked, "If what we're talking about is what we're talking about... you should know I have prior vows which I can't break... I have godchildren, a family, the only one I've ever known... how fair would it be trying to build a life together when I might have to go die for them?"... my heart breaking knowing that what I was asking wasn't fair... for her to go through life with me, yet know I might not come back... would be willing to risk her happiness for prior vows. Risk her safety with me for others... was there any future in that.
My heart isn't broken... she said she'd help me protect anything important to me... would love anything I did. Totally shocked me... so I returned the favor.
I'd bought the rings a long time ago... I'd like to say that they were picked out especially for her. But they weren't... Just a platinum set I spotted in my smuggling days... don't know why I didn't sell them, but they'd been in my sabacc pouch ever since... kind of a lucky charm. An ideal I still faintly hoped for... the time I could use them to marry and retire... since I'd become force sensitive I'd been playing with gadget's... these were evident that I hadn't given up on the dream...
I kneeled to giver her a shock... proposed right then and there.... She accepted.
She's sleeping now... I can't stop smiling remembering our conversation...
I started sipping my scotch rather then using it to avoid seeing the faces... they were fading anyway. She was beautiful, as always... told me she'd had one of those rare lazy days, enjoying the sunlight on her face... the fire she'd made... she seemed truly at peace in that place, where she used to camp with her pets. I felt pain, and a commitment to justice, but not regret... not the mind numbing regret that I always feared for her... feared for myself.
I realized I was standing on that cliff, and that she was once again my lifeline... don't know if she understood that she was ever that to me. I remember when I recovered her after the loss of her pets. She was distraught, thought her life had no meaning since she'd lost her children when I found her she was curled in a fetal position and had decided to die... Living in a nightmare... I used what she taught me to talk to her in that dream... and she made the choice to come back from that place. I had to make a concious choice to allow myself to be talked down... but she does that better then anyone... always has.
We talked about what I had done, the murder, the quiet battles that the target never saw coming. The balancing act I put myself through, to know that what I do is monstrous in it's act. To regret.... it takes something from me each time.... some part of the scale in my heart must be balanced... it's why I spend so much time in the mountains away from the unit now... meditating, repairing my heart. It was strange, but spending time with the beautiful woman, who I had been so worried about... did more for me then a week hiking the trails. That realization floored me... We'd been taking comfort in each other so long... while avoiding more permanent commitments.
I do love her... have even told her... I've been coming round to the idea that maybe my actions don't invalidate my deservedness. Maybe taking comfort in someone you love, for the rest of your life, has nothing to do with what you've done in the past or what you have to do...
There was still a concern... our conversation had moved to what was holding us back from peace... she said that she wished I would allow her to help... with the stormtroopers, the balance, the teaching... whatever. The unspoken message came through our mental link anyway. She just wanted to be with me... knowing what I'd been, was, and probably would be... she didn't see a monster, she would do whatever nessecary to spend part of her life with me. Somewhat surprisingly, my heart answered just as strongly... but there was still a voice in the back of my head...
I believe I asked, "If what we're talking about is what we're talking about... you should know I have prior vows which I can't break... I have godchildren, a family, the only one I've ever known... how fair would it be trying to build a life together when I might have to go die for them?"... my heart breaking knowing that what I was asking wasn't fair... for her to go through life with me, yet know I might not come back... would be willing to risk her happiness for prior vows. Risk her safety with me for others... was there any future in that.
My heart isn't broken... she said she'd help me protect anything important to me... would love anything I did. Totally shocked me... so I returned the favor.
I'd bought the rings a long time ago... I'd like to say that they were picked out especially for her. But they weren't... Just a platinum set I spotted in my smuggling days... don't know why I didn't sell them, but they'd been in my sabacc pouch ever since... kind of a lucky charm. An ideal I still faintly hoped for... the time I could use them to marry and retire... since I'd become force sensitive I'd been playing with gadget's... these were evident that I hadn't given up on the dream...
I kneeled to giver her a shock... proposed right then and there.... She accepted.
Redemption...
Published Wednesday, January 18, 2006.
[Noelyci absorbed the pain and regret of a dark jedi when trying to save him, it is a constant voice in his head. In addition he has telepathy with those he cares for if they can use the force. Currently he's flying to Dantooine after battle.]
I was talking to her before I reached Dantooine... it's so easy to reach out and speak with her now. I remember when it was a shock. She's the first person to ever speak in the back of my head... of course I have permanent voices there now... maybe that's why I feel like I'm a monster tonight. I know I did the right thing taking those permutations out of the future... I know I saved lives with every death, all 600 of them. And I know I'll pay the consequence... seeing their faces in my dreams... my meditations. It's part of paying the price, keeping the balance...
I don't believe in dark and light... not the way the rest of the Jedi 'Order' does. I believe that the reason people fall to the 'dark' is that they feel justified and try to avoid the cost. I know I do evil, horrible, painful things... and I do it willingly. I'm trying to prepare the day when there will be a better government for the future generations, and I will be lucky if I can set aside this part of my life and be part of it with them... but it isn't nessecary.
She disagrees with me on that point... but I'm not sure if it's because she feels I need hope... or that she's afraid I will make my life cheap when forced to finally use it as the final shield. In the old republic, the old order which everyone remembers and is not trying to be replicated I would probably pursue the Guardian's path. I am the shield for those I love... I protect by doing what I would save them from doing, paying the cost I don't want them to face.
I found that that's part of being a Seer. Relationships. I understand the permutations and flows of the force because I see the emotional connections I myself have. That was something else she taught me. I was trained by intel to work the emotions, see the angles, understand that the levers which most moved people were not monetary or titular, but emotional. I truly didn't understand until I met my empath what that meant. I do know that I need it to remain connected to the force... to use these abilities I need love. Love of family, love of friends.... love of....
D. has a point though... I'm no more a monster then she is. Then any of us. As long as we pay the cost... as long as we allow people to choose... as long as we recognize that there are some things you cannot do... like blow up planets full of non-combatants... like Alderann. She's gone inside to get more scotch... she'll be back soon.
I should share with her that she helps me not feel so cold... so wrapped in the bubble. In fact I don't think this warm feeling growing comes from the scotch. Maybe now is the time to tell her about the previous vows. To my goddaughter, to my sister... to those I love. Maybe this relationship is part of my redemption...
I was talking to her before I reached Dantooine... it's so easy to reach out and speak with her now. I remember when it was a shock. She's the first person to ever speak in the back of my head... of course I have permanent voices there now... maybe that's why I feel like I'm a monster tonight. I know I did the right thing taking those permutations out of the future... I know I saved lives with every death, all 600 of them. And I know I'll pay the consequence... seeing their faces in my dreams... my meditations. It's part of paying the price, keeping the balance...
I don't believe in dark and light... not the way the rest of the Jedi 'Order' does. I believe that the reason people fall to the 'dark' is that they feel justified and try to avoid the cost. I know I do evil, horrible, painful things... and I do it willingly. I'm trying to prepare the day when there will be a better government for the future generations, and I will be lucky if I can set aside this part of my life and be part of it with them... but it isn't nessecary.
She disagrees with me on that point... but I'm not sure if it's because she feels I need hope... or that she's afraid I will make my life cheap when forced to finally use it as the final shield. In the old republic, the old order which everyone remembers and is not trying to be replicated I would probably pursue the Guardian's path. I am the shield for those I love... I protect by doing what I would save them from doing, paying the cost I don't want them to face.
I found that that's part of being a Seer. Relationships. I understand the permutations and flows of the force because I see the emotional connections I myself have. That was something else she taught me. I was trained by intel to work the emotions, see the angles, understand that the levers which most moved people were not monetary or titular, but emotional. I truly didn't understand until I met my empath what that meant. I do know that I need it to remain connected to the force... to use these abilities I need love. Love of family, love of friends.... love of....
D. has a point though... I'm no more a monster then she is. Then any of us. As long as we pay the cost... as long as we allow people to choose... as long as we recognize that there are some things you cannot do... like blow up planets full of non-combatants... like Alderann. She's gone inside to get more scotch... she'll be back soon.
I should share with her that she helps me not feel so cold... so wrapped in the bubble. In fact I don't think this warm feeling growing comes from the scotch. Maybe now is the time to tell her about the previous vows. To my goddaughter, to my sister... to those I love. Maybe this relationship is part of my redemption...
Liberation...
Published Tuesday, January 17, 2006.
I came down the trail late, the sun was rising, I'd spent the night listening to the sounds of the forest... forgetting about the war. It's still peaceful in the mountains of Talus near my retreat. The only conflict comes from the normal sounds of hunting and existance. The flows of the force ebb and flow through everything out there... it's subtle, not like Dantooine, or Dathomir... but definitely there. I went back to Dearic, laying in a few supplies...
I'd gotten so used to the independance of this world that it was a shock to see the new snowflakes... Stormtroopers back in Dearic... something snapped. I don't get rage like others... I get wrapped in that bubble. I get cold. I form the shadow's around me and watch the permuations shift, and my vision narrows down to the target. Usually the ideal one...
I can rest there as long as needed, no fatigue, no tiredness, no unessecary movement, sometimes no thought... when I used a blaster I could hold the trigger at the perfect squeeze point for hours... the snipers in the unit always thought I should jump over... but the shadows were what appealed to me... the dark alleyways in the backstreets, the dusky cantinas and the deathsticks... Snipers hate deathsticks... ruins their nightvision. I've referred to it in this journal before as the Bubble, usually that's when I'm benign and seeking information, or wisdom... this was different... maybe...
This was a cold place. Deep in the stream of the mountains, my whole body bathed in snowmelt. Not even the center was hot. I walked up behind the squad leader, dropped my lightsaber into my hand, and ignited it vertically through his spine. The ventilator in his helmet must have had a small leak, because the shrapnel impaled itself in his junior officers visor, blinding them... though it wouldn't have mattered with the speed I was pulling.... the force flowed through every muscle, every fiber infused with a connection, reading the movement of their squad before they did anything... not a breath drawn before I cut that small squad down... walking away from their corpses without looking back.
I moved through the back alleys and old haunts from the smuggling days... the sewers, the secret rooms, the darkness becoming my friend, cloaking myself... I cut down every stormtrooper in the city of Dearic and it wasn't enough.
Colin and I have been working on an upgrade to the goggles, the HUD was superimposed and working perfectly... I patched into the feed the last squad was getting and found the transmission was coming from the Imperial Garrison.
It's had an underfunded maintence staff or did.... seems they are trying to reassert control... over my dead body... not on my home. I masked the minds of the sentries, wrapped the shadows around me like a cloak, walked into the garrison and cut every single one down. The first was a kid, I watched him with the recruiter... signing up... I saw the permutations... the other kids he would kill. The people he'd climb over to make rank. The destruction he'd cause. I sat there watching the permutations.... hoping to find one where he wouldn't turn out to be an opressor, wanting to forgive, to stop... but nothing changed... I couldn't find a single future for him where many didn't die.
His was the first corpse in that place... his face I filed... balance... consequences... the back of my mind full of them tonight... The Crucible's on autopilot right now.... I can't see through the 600 faces I've destroyed today. Dev is worried about me... I'm going to see her... to make sure she knows I'm a monster... she deserves to know. I finally had to stop when I got to Theed, the Naboo garrison of the 501st put me in my place and I had to run...
Probably a good thing I did... I don't know when I would have stopped.
I'd gotten so used to the independance of this world that it was a shock to see the new snowflakes... Stormtroopers back in Dearic... something snapped. I don't get rage like others... I get wrapped in that bubble. I get cold. I form the shadow's around me and watch the permuations shift, and my vision narrows down to the target. Usually the ideal one...
I can rest there as long as needed, no fatigue, no tiredness, no unessecary movement, sometimes no thought... when I used a blaster I could hold the trigger at the perfect squeeze point for hours... the snipers in the unit always thought I should jump over... but the shadows were what appealed to me... the dark alleyways in the backstreets, the dusky cantinas and the deathsticks... Snipers hate deathsticks... ruins their nightvision. I've referred to it in this journal before as the Bubble, usually that's when I'm benign and seeking information, or wisdom... this was different... maybe...
This was a cold place. Deep in the stream of the mountains, my whole body bathed in snowmelt. Not even the center was hot. I walked up behind the squad leader, dropped my lightsaber into my hand, and ignited it vertically through his spine. The ventilator in his helmet must have had a small leak, because the shrapnel impaled itself in his junior officers visor, blinding them... though it wouldn't have mattered with the speed I was pulling.... the force flowed through every muscle, every fiber infused with a connection, reading the movement of their squad before they did anything... not a breath drawn before I cut that small squad down... walking away from their corpses without looking back.
I moved through the back alleys and old haunts from the smuggling days... the sewers, the secret rooms, the darkness becoming my friend, cloaking myself... I cut down every stormtrooper in the city of Dearic and it wasn't enough.
Colin and I have been working on an upgrade to the goggles, the HUD was superimposed and working perfectly... I patched into the feed the last squad was getting and found the transmission was coming from the Imperial Garrison.
It's had an underfunded maintence staff or did.... seems they are trying to reassert control... over my dead body... not on my home. I masked the minds of the sentries, wrapped the shadows around me like a cloak, walked into the garrison and cut every single one down. The first was a kid, I watched him with the recruiter... signing up... I saw the permutations... the other kids he would kill. The people he'd climb over to make rank. The destruction he'd cause. I sat there watching the permutations.... hoping to find one where he wouldn't turn out to be an opressor, wanting to forgive, to stop... but nothing changed... I couldn't find a single future for him where many didn't die.
His was the first corpse in that place... his face I filed... balance... consequences... the back of my mind full of them tonight... The Crucible's on autopilot right now.... I can't see through the 600 faces I've destroyed today. Dev is worried about me... I'm going to see her... to make sure she knows I'm a monster... she deserves to know. I finally had to stop when I got to Theed, the Naboo garrison of the 501st put me in my place and I had to run...
Probably a good thing I did... I don't know when I would have stopped.
Green hair and verbal spam...
Published Monday, January 16, 2006.
I sometimes get asked how I came up with the unique color green I use for my hair... I hadn't thought about it for awhile but the mention of it last night made me remember the hairdresser I first got it from.
I was on the run. Contract out on me after I failed to deliver on a shipment. Of course it didn't help that the buyer was a powerful man who knew I worked for the Alliance... that fact made it likely the Imperial's were after me too. So I walked into the salon outside Coronet with only a few bucks in my pocket and no safehouse left to turn to. After my eyes adjusted to the lighting I was amazed at the verbal banter going back and forth. Turns out I'd walked into a 'gay' salon. I turned to go when my arm was taken by a guy wearing hot pants. His name was Sean and quickly started fussing with my hair without letting me get a word in edgewise.
He called me honey child and babe... was strange watching this little guy flirt with every thing that had two legs. Turns out he used to be the cabin boy to Admiral Veers but left after he noticed that the benefits didn't offset the predilection for very early death benefits to one's dependents. That and he told me that Admiral Veer's 'blaster' was only an inch long when fully loaded.
After cleaning up the spit take I did hearing that I found myself sharing that I needed work. He took one look at my hands and said I'd do. He even gave me the haircut and dye for free. I spent several months earning my Image Designer liscence in that shop, learning a trade, and how to hide myself in plain sight by being the most flamboyant personality possible. I learned the z-snap and many other socially significant clues from my friends there, and by the time I left I had a new appreciation for the boot strap of the Empire. Of course some of my new friends liked boot straps... but only in certain aspects of their lives. *laugh*
I tried to look up Sean a little while back. Turns out he was taken from us by the scourge that got so many of those with his orientation.... I miss him... but he lived life larger than anyone I know... a lesson I'm still learning.
I was on the run. Contract out on me after I failed to deliver on a shipment. Of course it didn't help that the buyer was a powerful man who knew I worked for the Alliance... that fact made it likely the Imperial's were after me too. So I walked into the salon outside Coronet with only a few bucks in my pocket and no safehouse left to turn to. After my eyes adjusted to the lighting I was amazed at the verbal banter going back and forth. Turns out I'd walked into a 'gay' salon. I turned to go when my arm was taken by a guy wearing hot pants. His name was Sean and quickly started fussing with my hair without letting me get a word in edgewise.
He called me honey child and babe... was strange watching this little guy flirt with every thing that had two legs. Turns out he used to be the cabin boy to Admiral Veers but left after he noticed that the benefits didn't offset the predilection for very early death benefits to one's dependents. That and he told me that Admiral Veer's 'blaster' was only an inch long when fully loaded.
After cleaning up the spit take I did hearing that I found myself sharing that I needed work. He took one look at my hands and said I'd do. He even gave me the haircut and dye for free. I spent several months earning my Image Designer liscence in that shop, learning a trade, and how to hide myself in plain sight by being the most flamboyant personality possible. I learned the z-snap and many other socially significant clues from my friends there, and by the time I left I had a new appreciation for the boot strap of the Empire. Of course some of my new friends liked boot straps... but only in certain aspects of their lives. *laugh*
I tried to look up Sean a little while back. Turns out he was taken from us by the scourge that got so many of those with his orientation.... I miss him... but he lived life larger than anyone I know... a lesson I'm still learning.
"I thought you were a Dream."
Published Friday, January 13, 2006.
"I thought you were a dream." She said that to me... right before she showed me what she's learned since becoming aware of her connection to the force. There isn't much more I can show her. She thought she might be a seer. Though I don't think her talents lie in exactly the same way mine do I have learned more from her then even she probably knows.
She taught me to speak to those I know well from across the galaxy... she showed me what being true to myself was... taught me to rebuild when I was going crazy...
Am I shielding her? Or myself? Either way it's time to allow the force to take me where it wills. Yes I protect those I love... and there is no way I can turn away from my family. I cannot change my willingness to sacrifice for them... unhealthy or no. Attachments of this nature will make that harder. Having said that, I can't turn aside from what I feel either... hopefully we can make our dreams come true without sacrificing our obligations... that is if she feels the same way...
She taught me to speak to those I know well from across the galaxy... she showed me what being true to myself was... taught me to rebuild when I was going crazy...
Am I shielding her? Or myself? Either way it's time to allow the force to take me where it wills. Yes I protect those I love... and there is no way I can turn away from my family. I cannot change my willingness to sacrifice for them... unhealthy or no. Attachments of this nature will make that harder. Having said that, I can't turn aside from what I feel either... hopefully we can make our dreams come true without sacrificing our obligations... that is if she feels the same way...
Younglings, Instruction & the Cave...
Published Thursday, January 12, 2006.
It was time... I had to leave the peace and quiet and head back to Mustafar. The ghosts were loud again when I landed. So many died on this little ball of fire, fighting for something they didn't even understand.
I had contacted A. to set up the crew. I wanted this first investigation to be one where I wasn't risking too many I loved. She did an admirable job but the ghosts were drowned out by the young 'jedi' playing with their lightsabers in the main facility. I can't believe these new recruits are allowed to run around without restraint or discipline... How can they learn to communicate with the force when they can't stop for five minutes and wait with patcience. I may disagree with the effort to ressurect some long dead order of jedi knights, but if that's what is going to be done, where are the masters? Where are the teachers?
I am obviously not wanted, or valued, so I have restrained myself from 'influencing' those under another care. I have my students, if they could be classified as that, even though I don't consider them that way most of the time. I learn as much from them as I teach... Best to continue to let them come to me...
Speaking of learning, Sh. came to me after that last Jam, she helped me polish off that bottle and then said she'd like to show me something. I've been a bit worried about her but found that she had been getting some guidance from others... I explained to her that I did not buy into the 'darkside' and 'lightside' argument but that I did realize there were consequences for the tools and actions one uses, whether it be a blaster or the force. I wonder if she's killed with her mind yet, that often seems to be the breaking point...
She had brought me a small toy, for lack of a better word. A globe filled with water and sand... a tool for training the manipulitive abilities of the new force sensitive. She created an absolutely gorgeous picture of a flower by seperating the grains with her mind. She asked me to try, I didn't want to show her up, but I've been doing this awhile now... I created a small animation of bubbles from the bottom, keeping it moving smoothly was actually quite difficult. We talked of balance and consequence, I believe she truly understood... I look forward to talking to her again soon...
That was the same night I discovered how insular the Council had become. They may be trying for a New Jedi Order... but they don't care what anyone outside their walls thinks. I was asked by Master B. to witness his testimony before the other Masters of the Council. Even though I had close associations with them before their insulating tactics they completely ignored me. Master B. has lost much of his discretion and I can see why many are concerned about him, but to ignore those who are enabled by the will of the force is the hieght of arrogance... I distinctly saw the permutations surrounding Master R. and all were resigned to battle, when they said they only wanted to talk in the first place... He wasn't happy that I was there. I think they'd of preferred to meet him somewhere nobody would find the body... Perhaps that's unfair.
The Younglings calmed down quite well once we were actually at work. Perhaps they were just nervous, they quickly pulled down the surrounding rutting Tulrus and we prepared to enter the cave of the lava beast. I innoculated everyone and we set out...
It sat in a large cavern after the gassed tunnels, with several larva spread out around it... they didn't get too close to their mother, I believe she probably ate them when she was feeling lazy, although the tulrus bones at the entrance bely her inactivity to be much in our favor. We took care of most of the larvae, though I think one or two scuttled away... and began our battle on the mutated thing... So much hate from one creature. She went down... and we only had a couple broken arms out of it... The miners should be safe for a bit, though I'll have to check on the larva that got away...
...I wonder if this will count as a trial for the young ones, or if I'll be accosted for undue influence... I have to try to read the cards again.
I had contacted A. to set up the crew. I wanted this first investigation to be one where I wasn't risking too many I loved. She did an admirable job but the ghosts were drowned out by the young 'jedi' playing with their lightsabers in the main facility. I can't believe these new recruits are allowed to run around without restraint or discipline... How can they learn to communicate with the force when they can't stop for five minutes and wait with patcience. I may disagree with the effort to ressurect some long dead order of jedi knights, but if that's what is going to be done, where are the masters? Where are the teachers?
I am obviously not wanted, or valued, so I have restrained myself from 'influencing' those under another care. I have my students, if they could be classified as that, even though I don't consider them that way most of the time. I learn as much from them as I teach... Best to continue to let them come to me...
Speaking of learning, Sh. came to me after that last Jam, she helped me polish off that bottle and then said she'd like to show me something. I've been a bit worried about her but found that she had been getting some guidance from others... I explained to her that I did not buy into the 'darkside' and 'lightside' argument but that I did realize there were consequences for the tools and actions one uses, whether it be a blaster or the force. I wonder if she's killed with her mind yet, that often seems to be the breaking point...
She had brought me a small toy, for lack of a better word. A globe filled with water and sand... a tool for training the manipulitive abilities of the new force sensitive. She created an absolutely gorgeous picture of a flower by seperating the grains with her mind. She asked me to try, I didn't want to show her up, but I've been doing this awhile now... I created a small animation of bubbles from the bottom, keeping it moving smoothly was actually quite difficult. We talked of balance and consequence, I believe she truly understood... I look forward to talking to her again soon...
That was the same night I discovered how insular the Council had become. They may be trying for a New Jedi Order... but they don't care what anyone outside their walls thinks. I was asked by Master B. to witness his testimony before the other Masters of the Council. Even though I had close associations with them before their insulating tactics they completely ignored me. Master B. has lost much of his discretion and I can see why many are concerned about him, but to ignore those who are enabled by the will of the force is the hieght of arrogance... I distinctly saw the permutations surrounding Master R. and all were resigned to battle, when they said they only wanted to talk in the first place... He wasn't happy that I was there. I think they'd of preferred to meet him somewhere nobody would find the body... Perhaps that's unfair.
The Younglings calmed down quite well once we were actually at work. Perhaps they were just nervous, they quickly pulled down the surrounding rutting Tulrus and we prepared to enter the cave of the lava beast. I innoculated everyone and we set out...
It sat in a large cavern after the gassed tunnels, with several larva spread out around it... they didn't get too close to their mother, I believe she probably ate them when she was feeling lazy, although the tulrus bones at the entrance bely her inactivity to be much in our favor. We took care of most of the larvae, though I think one or two scuttled away... and began our battle on the mutated thing... So much hate from one creature. She went down... and we only had a couple broken arms out of it... The miners should be safe for a bit, though I'll have to check on the larva that got away...
...I wonder if this will count as a trial for the young ones, or if I'll be accosted for undue influence... I have to try to read the cards again.
Snow & Warmth...
Published Wednesday, January 11, 2006.
It's snowing in the mountains again... I'm sitting in it, watching it come down, fresh and white. No blood, no stains. It's so crisp that I have to use a bit of force to keep myself warm, but that's as easy as breathing now.
There's such peace here... It's best I rest in it for now. There's a bloodthirsty abomination affecting the miners that I'll have to deal with soon. I'm working on getting my backup in place now. Strangely I know longer worry about things... since I saw Z so happy and safe after the birth.
She made it official. I'm now a Godfather. Es is perfect... and strong, she already babbles with her mind, I wouldn't be surprised if she levitates a bottle before she says her first word. It gives me hope that the future is in better hands. I worried about what future we were leaving her and D' but the fact of the matter was pointed out by D., "What kind of future were we left with?" I'd like it to be better, but if it was the next generation would find something to reject in it anyway... and to accept in it... It's the cyclical nature of the force and the passage of time...
I spent some time trying to remember what struck me as perfect about this spot, just outside my retreat, just down the mountain from the shrine... it took me a little while but I figured it out... This is where we watched the sunset when I showed her this place. I suddenly didn't need the force to stay warm anymore.
There's such peace here... It's best I rest in it for now. There's a bloodthirsty abomination affecting the miners that I'll have to deal with soon. I'm working on getting my backup in place now. Strangely I know longer worry about things... since I saw Z so happy and safe after the birth.
She made it official. I'm now a Godfather. Es is perfect... and strong, she already babbles with her mind, I wouldn't be surprised if she levitates a bottle before she says her first word. It gives me hope that the future is in better hands. I worried about what future we were leaving her and D' but the fact of the matter was pointed out by D., "What kind of future were we left with?" I'd like it to be better, but if it was the next generation would find something to reject in it anyway... and to accept in it... It's the cyclical nature of the force and the passage of time...
I spent some time trying to remember what struck me as perfect about this spot, just outside my retreat, just down the mountain from the shrine... it took me a little while but I figured it out... This is where we watched the sunset when I showed her this place. I suddenly didn't need the force to stay warm anymore.
Save the Last Dance... and the Glass Half Full.
Published .
[originally posted 1/9/2005]
Last Jam…. feel like requesting the old song about dancing. I’ve finally had to let my last contract go from the old days. It’s been fun busting heads for J. I’ve enjoyed making sure the guests are safe when they come to see our headliners. And I’ve seen many headliners over the years. Z. when she was known across the galaxy for her dancing and entertaining, N. is coming up now and it’s been a trip seeing a holo-actress entertaining at these more intimate settings.
My days of smuggling and independent contracts seem to be over. I’ve got responsibility now. I’ve had it for awhile, even accepted it…. Yet the weekly event at the River Bend has let me be the ‘old’ me every so often and giving it up is sparking feelings of loss. Much as I’ve moved on I’m going to miss it.
The bartender always kept my bottle of aged Talusian Scotch safe and dusty in the back. I’d been limiting myself to half a glass or so every night I was on duty. But this last time I finished the bottle. I shared some with T. & S. but I’d say the majority of that smooth stuff went down my throat. I felt like that bottle belonged there and I was going to be damned if it went to anyone else. I gave my resignation to J. early and enjoyed my last night there as a patron, not a bouncer. I placed the ornate bottle back under the bar…..empty. I thought I’d walk out taking nothing from this contract, but the fact of the matter is I’ve made many friends…. at least I walked out better than that bottle.
Last Jam…. feel like requesting the old song about dancing. I’ve finally had to let my last contract go from the old days. It’s been fun busting heads for J. I’ve enjoyed making sure the guests are safe when they come to see our headliners. And I’ve seen many headliners over the years. Z. when she was known across the galaxy for her dancing and entertaining, N. is coming up now and it’s been a trip seeing a holo-actress entertaining at these more intimate settings.
My days of smuggling and independent contracts seem to be over. I’ve got responsibility now. I’ve had it for awhile, even accepted it…. Yet the weekly event at the River Bend has let me be the ‘old’ me every so often and giving it up is sparking feelings of loss. Much as I’ve moved on I’m going to miss it.
The bartender always kept my bottle of aged Talusian Scotch safe and dusty in the back. I’d been limiting myself to half a glass or so every night I was on duty. But this last time I finished the bottle. I shared some with T. & S. but I’d say the majority of that smooth stuff went down my throat. I felt like that bottle belonged there and I was going to be damned if it went to anyone else. I gave my resignation to J. early and enjoyed my last night there as a patron, not a bouncer. I placed the ornate bottle back under the bar…..empty. I thought I’d walk out taking nothing from this contract, but the fact of the matter is I’ve made many friends…. at least I walked out better than that bottle.
Retirement...
Published .
[originally posted 12/16/2005]
Wow, has it really been a couple weeks? Time flys when you're busy...
At the jam a week before the security crew decided to play a couple of pranks... so I let them have the responsibility as well. It was only five minutes but I walked away. Nothing more than a deathstick break really, but it was nice to see that a few of them recognized what I do provide there. They can handle it without me of course.... which is why I didn't show this last week, I figured one of them would be able to handle it. According to my sources it was a little bit more chaotic than normal, several weapons got past the door, but nobody shot any holes in the wall.I did hear that K. & K. threw down, the sucker punch ended it quickly.... I'm impressed at the restraint, but will have to talk to him later about that.
Per my request Colinye delivered KB. to her parents at the jam last night, it went well. Just got too hot at Jabba's place for me to pick her up. I did get a message from Br. and she was quite pleased, looks like Colinye and KB. are closer then it first appeared.... nice to see someone finding some happiness.
Seems Colinye has signed on with Nicolye's crew. Expected of course, but I wasn't sure he wouldn't set up an independant company... It's good that he's part of Advent, Ltd., 'shipping' is half the battle and honestly something Nicolye isn't that good at. It looks like the corporation will be expanding which is great to see.... I hope that they continue the success but I'm perfectly happy to administer the gallery and let the young guys make the money.
Wow, has it really been a couple weeks? Time flys when you're busy...
At the jam a week before the security crew decided to play a couple of pranks... so I let them have the responsibility as well. It was only five minutes but I walked away. Nothing more than a deathstick break really, but it was nice to see that a few of them recognized what I do provide there. They can handle it without me of course.... which is why I didn't show this last week, I figured one of them would be able to handle it. According to my sources it was a little bit more chaotic than normal, several weapons got past the door, but nobody shot any holes in the wall.I did hear that K. & K. threw down, the sucker punch ended it quickly.... I'm impressed at the restraint, but will have to talk to him later about that.
Per my request Colinye delivered KB. to her parents at the jam last night, it went well. Just got too hot at Jabba's place for me to pick her up. I did get a message from Br. and she was quite pleased, looks like Colinye and KB. are closer then it first appeared.... nice to see someone finding some happiness.
Seems Colinye has signed on with Nicolye's crew. Expected of course, but I wasn't sure he wouldn't set up an independant company... It's good that he's part of Advent, Ltd., 'shipping' is half the battle and honestly something Nicolye isn't that good at. It looks like the corporation will be expanding which is great to see.... I hope that they continue the success but I'm perfectly happy to administer the gallery and let the young guys make the money.
Regret...
Published .
[originally posted 12/6/2005]
Why do I continue to allow the past to determine my future?
Interesting meditation topic. The idea of things is often more powerful then the reality. The subjugation of the force into light and dark is an idea. The reality is that the person using the force and the intent they have at the time is what determines what consequences they pay for using the tool available to them. Selfish, controlling, changing direction of the forces natural tendency leads to higher consequences and more effective action. Yet moving within the 'will' of the force leads to less explosion and more long term sustainability.
So why is it that when I try to find balance and think I've achieved it I find holes in myself? Because growth is not static. There will always be a hole, sometimes filled by the actuality of the 'idea' I think provides a fix, sometimes by something different but just as sustaining and strengthening, if not more so.
It is only the idea of the past that holds power, the actuality of the present and future can be filled by whatever the force provides, it flows, it shifts, it even fills, if one allows it.
I've found one of the holes, and the physical representation of the idea that would fill it before I started down this path.... is available.... but it is unfair to lay that idea over the actuality of the person. And do I even want to fill that hole with some concept of what I wanted when I was younger....
Ghosts.... voices.... His included.... I used to be stronger than this. His voice holds on to every bit of regret or pain that I allow to pass through my mind.
I've gotten rest.... maybe that's the answer. I get rest in it.... but do I deserve that? Am I done repairing the damage I'd done before? Is anyone ever going to be?
Only two more deathsticks in the pack... I need to get to a city.
Why do I continue to allow the past to determine my future?
Interesting meditation topic. The idea of things is often more powerful then the reality. The subjugation of the force into light and dark is an idea. The reality is that the person using the force and the intent they have at the time is what determines what consequences they pay for using the tool available to them. Selfish, controlling, changing direction of the forces natural tendency leads to higher consequences and more effective action. Yet moving within the 'will' of the force leads to less explosion and more long term sustainability.
So why is it that when I try to find balance and think I've achieved it I find holes in myself? Because growth is not static. There will always be a hole, sometimes filled by the actuality of the 'idea' I think provides a fix, sometimes by something different but just as sustaining and strengthening, if not more so.
It is only the idea of the past that holds power, the actuality of the present and future can be filled by whatever the force provides, it flows, it shifts, it even fills, if one allows it.
I've found one of the holes, and the physical representation of the idea that would fill it before I started down this path.... is available.... but it is unfair to lay that idea over the actuality of the person. And do I even want to fill that hole with some concept of what I wanted when I was younger....
Ghosts.... voices.... His included.... I used to be stronger than this. His voice holds on to every bit of regret or pain that I allow to pass through my mind.
I've gotten rest.... maybe that's the answer. I get rest in it.... but do I deserve that? Am I done repairing the damage I'd done before? Is anyone ever going to be?
Only two more deathsticks in the pack... I need to get to a city.
Ghosts, Shadows, & Flames...
Published .
[originally posted 12/2/2005]
The Jam was packed this week, was great to see the advertising continue to pay off and although we had a few weapon slips no real issues happened. I finally upgraded the shields so future jams shouldn't be a problem at all. I'm developing a good secondary crew of people as well to be my eyes and ears.... honestly it's gotten too big for me to be everywhere at once.
I saw Sh---- there this week, she looks better although still tired. She's more secure. The bonds of the force are growing stronger. It seems she's realizing that this is part of who she is and without exploration it will kill her, she'll do something dangerous... like a kid who touches the stove. I just hope she studies it like she did medicine. Although I don't worry that much about her, she'll be fine..... She did mention she saw a remenant, a ghost.... she felt she could touch it through the force.... I don't quite know what that would do to one so new to the journey, I offered her my help of course....
Speaking of ghosts.... the council has resumed deliberations. I didn't find out about it until the day of. Which is fine. I don't consider myself a jedi and don't want the mantle. I need no validation for my journey from anyone. I respect the people involved. I just see the cards falling differently.... they are trying to ressurect the idea of rules, of structure, of order and rigidity. The force flows, it shifts, it's imbued with myriad possibilities and turns and twists. Locking it down to one 'way' is a mistake.... one too many fall into on both sides. There should be no jedi, there should be no 'sith'. There is only the force and the journey.... I know some of those 'masters' involved respect my viewpoint, but I have not been asked to join and will not lock myself into where my path leads..... I don't see a good end to ressurecting one place for those who hate people like us to attack, one source of information, one method... one static unchanging lack of growth.... Change is most effective from within..... I wonder.... but at this point it's moot.
I got a note from D---- She's awakened to what was always there.... surprised at how it brought some things back I thought I was past... I almost looked for something stronger then deathsticks, it was so strong... the flames always touch when you least expect.....and the old ones burn hottest.
The Jam was packed this week, was great to see the advertising continue to pay off and although we had a few weapon slips no real issues happened. I finally upgraded the shields so future jams shouldn't be a problem at all. I'm developing a good secondary crew of people as well to be my eyes and ears.... honestly it's gotten too big for me to be everywhere at once.
I saw Sh---- there this week, she looks better although still tired. She's more secure. The bonds of the force are growing stronger. It seems she's realizing that this is part of who she is and without exploration it will kill her, she'll do something dangerous... like a kid who touches the stove. I just hope she studies it like she did medicine. Although I don't worry that much about her, she'll be fine..... She did mention she saw a remenant, a ghost.... she felt she could touch it through the force.... I don't quite know what that would do to one so new to the journey, I offered her my help of course....
Speaking of ghosts.... the council has resumed deliberations. I didn't find out about it until the day of. Which is fine. I don't consider myself a jedi and don't want the mantle. I need no validation for my journey from anyone. I respect the people involved. I just see the cards falling differently.... they are trying to ressurect the idea of rules, of structure, of order and rigidity. The force flows, it shifts, it's imbued with myriad possibilities and turns and twists. Locking it down to one 'way' is a mistake.... one too many fall into on both sides. There should be no jedi, there should be no 'sith'. There is only the force and the journey.... I know some of those 'masters' involved respect my viewpoint, but I have not been asked to join and will not lock myself into where my path leads..... I don't see a good end to ressurecting one place for those who hate people like us to attack, one source of information, one method... one static unchanging lack of growth.... Change is most effective from within..... I wonder.... but at this point it's moot.
I got a note from D---- She's awakened to what was always there.... surprised at how it brought some things back I thought I was past... I almost looked for something stronger then deathsticks, it was so strong... the flames always touch when you least expect.....and the old ones burn hottest.
Still addicted?
Published .
[originally posted 11/29/2005]
Colinye says she's doing well. Br---- & B----K----- are worried about her of course, but from what I can tell Jabba's depravity has largely avoided her. She's learned some skill with a blaster, according to the guards, and is quite the little healer. I hope her mom is proud of that fact. I'll have Colinye visit again soon, it's doing them all a world of good to be in contact once again.
It's been a busy week, I missed the Jam because I was out looking for Z---- again. She'd holed herself up on Dathomir of course. Interestingly enough she's injected herself with that cursed Liquid Crystal again... I took some to analyze, but I fear for her. I may just have to inject myself to save her this time. It dosen't help that Ky----- has had something happen to him, of course prompted by C--- if my premonitions are correct, it's been so long since I've been able to meditate with the cards... I've hidden her and her child... I'm hoping she stays there until.... well, I won't lock her in.
Last night I was asked by the Miners to help against some malfunctioning droid which was causing life to be difficult, murdering them in droves. I scouted it out and hopefully I can get a crew together to take care of it.... so the cards will have to wait. I wonder if A. has had any luck finding that text.... it might help.... something has to... I'm getting to the point where I could use a hit.... somethings going to break. I just hope it isn't me.
Blackmailed...
Published .
[originally posted 11/18/2005]
Interesting.
Who knew I'd gain some skill by absorbing him? I never really did like holding a saber, it was easier to use my mind to replicate the blaster I know so well... but the voice I added to the back of my head likes it, is showing me how to use it better.... strange.
The Jam was quiet this week, the new Imperial crackdown on pets and liscences slowed things down some, travel restrictions do to paperwork probably hurt as well. But we did have one notable occurance! The debut of a major holovid star as our headliner. N---- did a great job even though she was nervous. I don't think anybody picked up on it.
Br---- and B---- K----- have asked me to deliver a holo message to their daughter... currently serving in Jabba's palace... B----- in particular is very worried about her. I tried to fill her in on what I'd heard and Colinye observed but a mother wants to see for herself. I just hope she dosen't do anything risky... she basically held me hostage and said I was her teacher, like it or not... guess she feels entitled since she named me a part of the family...
First time I've been blackmailed into something I'd do anyway...I kinda like it.
Interesting.
Who knew I'd gain some skill by absorbing him? I never really did like holding a saber, it was easier to use my mind to replicate the blaster I know so well... but the voice I added to the back of my head likes it, is showing me how to use it better.... strange.
The Jam was quiet this week, the new Imperial crackdown on pets and liscences slowed things down some, travel restrictions do to paperwork probably hurt as well. But we did have one notable occurance! The debut of a major holovid star as our headliner. N---- did a great job even though she was nervous. I don't think anybody picked up on it.
Br---- and B---- K----- have asked me to deliver a holo message to their daughter... currently serving in Jabba's palace... B----- in particular is very worried about her. I tried to fill her in on what I'd heard and Colinye observed but a mother wants to see for herself. I just hope she dosen't do anything risky... she basically held me hostage and said I was her teacher, like it or not... guess she feels entitled since she named me a part of the family...
First time I've been blackmailed into something I'd do anyway...I kinda like it.
Rescue?
Published .
[originally posted 11/15/2005]
I recorded the debriefing, I wanted to be able to reflect on it later… But here’s the record.
(unidentified voice) “This is *static* performing the debriefing of Colonel Noelyci Ineucelia, currently assigned to Intel with the *static* concerning his encounter with *static* who is commander of the *static* This debriefing is being conducted remotely due to the extreme exhaustion of Colonel Ineucelia after this confrontation and at his Commander’s request. You may begin Colonel”
B----- called me, told me that C--- wanted to meet, so badly that he had kidnapped J-----, B-----’s wife. I told him to have C--- meet me at the gallery and I was warned it was a trap… But it’s alright, I’d been heading for this conversation for quite some time, C--- just forced the timing…
I rushed to the gallery from across system, I had already handed in my unit id and comm, just in case, earlier that evening, so that it would be seen as a personal endeavor…. Which it was… When I entered Sy---- was standing beside C--- and I greeted them in a friendly manner…. Trying to put them off balance… they were both there with weapons, so I sat down and started talking, on the floor, not a threat at all…
(at this the unidentified voice chuckled) “You’re a threat tied up…” (barely heard on the recording)
I asked them about Ji---- ... that part is a bit fuzzy to me, it was banal, opening moves, nothing to be concerned about and I don’t truly remember it.
First thing I remember is C saying, “I could care less about her fate.” … which I figured was a lie or she’d already be dead at his feet.
I stayed calm and responded, “In that case let's let her go, and have that chat we've been talking about.”
“If my hunters wish to keep the hunt going or not is their choice, not mine.” … Another lie, C--- dosen’t let anything of his go uncontrolled if he can help it.
“Really? Thought you had more command that that..... surprising.... Slipping?” I replied still being friendly, but trying to keep him off balance.
“Why should I stop them from killing, it makes no difference to me if or who they kill, A life lost is a life lost.” This rang true, but he was still talking so I kept negotiating.
“Why do you need them here, I would have met with you anyway, you are slipping.” And I grinned at him.
He asked a truly stupid question which showed he didn’t understand the effects of all his actions from a human standpoint, “Why do you need that gaggle?”
He meant Z----, KY-----, Sh----, Ti---, B----- And the rest who knew what was going on and were about a quarter click away. At the time I was sharing a mindlink with those who were able….
I responded, “I've asked them to leave, they won't, they're afraid we mean each other harm.” I had asked them to leave, I didn’t want their anger tinging my actions, I was there to save C--- and they were there to protect me…. Wasn’t sure both would happen.
Ever the conversationalist C--- responded “That is where we differ then.”
I pointed out the error in his reasoning, “I'm just coming to talk to an old friend, although with Sy---- here it makes two. Plus you assured their involvement by involving Ji.
I say we get rid of the hangers on, go downstairs and have a drink, talk about old times, and the future.”
He again laid blame on other things “They offer me too many pressure points, it's their own fault for not taking proper precautions.”
I tried for a joke, changing tactics briefly, trying to keep him from getting a flow going, “Really, I’ve got this huge knot in my back... wish you could get it out....”, smiling as I said it.
“I don't drink Why not have precious Z---- take care of that for you?” he asked. I still don’t know why he deliberately chooses to misunderstand our relationship.
“She isn't mine, and she has her happiness, which pleases me.” I took a short pause. Then I aimed for his weakness, “So I guess you have no choices, no options, you're worse then a droid then C---?”
He answered relatively quickly, too quickly to see the danger, “My choices are my own still”
“Have to apply pressure, no choice, have no control over your hunters, no choice, have to meet destiny, no choice..... sounds very droidlike to me.... I pity you C---” was my response.
“Having control and exerting control are two different things.” He said.
I kept the pressure on, “Are they? Hmmmm, how would you know if you didn't exercise the option?”
He attempted to switch to someone else I knew, though she was not much of a concern of mine, “J---, she has repeatedly pledged her loyalty to me, and I have repeatedly told her to find someone that wouldn't get her killed to pledge their loyalty to.”
I tried to get him to have Sy---- leave, and to protect Ji---- “Call off the dogs C---, so we can talk freely.”
He rankled, “Telling me to do something isn't a wise move in theis particular topic of discussion.”
“Eliminate all the posturing....You're restricting both our options. *shrug* Hell, you're the one who wanted to talk to me. You'd think you'd want me comfortable enough to talKy-----” I tried for angling at the information he needed.
“Talk? Who said anything about talk?” yet he was talking, so it was working so far.
If he got me to think of this as a fight, rather than a rescue it was over… I couldn’t allow him to dictate my actions, I remained calm, drawing on the link with my family.
I went back to the goodness I had perceived, making him uncomfortable and unsure of himself, “Ah.... well then, youve thought about our last conversation then? Didn't like the conclusion, and now you force yourself to reject it by having your crew around you.”
“Refresh my memorty of that discussion I don't consider Sy---- part of my 'crew' Noelyci.”
“I don't consider Sy---- anything but a friend. But where's Ji.?” I needed to assure her safety before I continuted this.
“In a house on Tat the last time I heard from the seeker droids.” I still was worried…. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t control the people he had under him.
“Ah, my mistkae, thought you'd have her close by.” I tried for another slam to his competence.
“Are you really so foolish?” he attempted.
Problem is I can laugh at myself now, “I don't know, it's possible, What do you think is foolish about me at the moment?”
“Beinon is easily decieved, he was bluffed.” "Good, Glad to see you are still in there somewhere," I appealed to the goodness again, and that was my tactic from thereon out."Deciet has always been a part of my ways.”
“As has mercy,”
“Heh, mercy?”
“You didn't kill me at times you could have, you aren't slaughtering Sy---- though she could rival your power in the force, looks like mercy to me.”
“Our sense of mercy contradicts.You and I fought together C---, you can't pretend too completely with me.”
“How little you know about me.”
He didn’t like this, he thought he’d try to distance himself from me, from the love and care I was wrapping in force and pouring into the room. Something I learned from another friend.
*small pause in the debriefing*(unidentified voice) “If you want to just relate the conversation at this point, rather then your impressions, this might be easer…”
Ky-----. Felt my need through the link and offered strength through the bond B----- did the same through Z---- I kept hammering away, " How much you've forgotten about yourself."
“I remember my old self clearly.”
“O? Tell me.”
He replied, “A weak and whimpering coward with a fool's head on his shoulder.”
I tried again to distract Sy---- “Need a drink?”
“I don't drink” This was actually good, it showed he was focused on me.
“I shrug, Just trying to be a good host.... how about you Sy----?”
Sy---- shook her head and frowned.
“Was it foolish to love?”
“I did not know the meaning of the word until I found Sy----” was his response, although I think he still dosen’t.
“O, good.... Glad to know you've found each other then.”
The link remained active, Z---- pouring out the dance and the talus mountain air with her strength.
That led me to ask, “Was it foolish to care about Z----, if it wasn't love? Or me, or the unit....? Or to see what the tools you've used could do to protect, to preserve?”
“She is weak and incompetant, the unit were uncaring heartless bastards.” Which showed his anger…. And a wedge.
I reminded him that it was a one sided dissolution, “Now, now, you walked away from me C---... Though I've moved to protect, I have never fought you have I? I've always tried to care, though you can be an ass about it.” And I smiled.
He chuckled at me and responded, “You were nowhere to be found back then.”
I nodded, “And for that I'm sorry. If I could have been I would.”
He tried to rewrite things, “And you have inadvertently fought me, forgotten RS so soon?”
I countered, showing him nuances he hadn’t thought of, “I have helped those I care for, I have protected the patrons at the jam, I have never shot you in the back, or the front for that matter.”
His fatalistic response was shrugging and responding, “You should have”
I got to the gambit I had for defeating him, “Maybe, but that's not the act of a friend.”
C--- shrugged his shoulders looking a little lost and in a soft voice said, “We're on opposite sides of a conflict.”
(Unidentified voice) “And that’s when we got the feed from your gallery security… Would you like to see the transcription of it or keep talking?"
[] begin transcript "Maybe, but what is it you pursue," Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. 00:25:26 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "You ever ask for it?"
00:25:47 "I just want to protect my family....", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:26:13 "The threat goes away and we can continue to be friends.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
00:26:20 You agree with C--- .
00:26:29 "You're absolutely right.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:27:07 "So why the big show to get me here?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. "Afraid I might be able to? Or still trying to convince yourself that you aren't facing a choice every day?"
00:27:15 "That you're locked in yet in control?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
00:27:16 C--- shrugs his shoulders helplessly.
00:27:16 "Maybe I seek the same thing.", C--- says quietly. "Except I'm willing to sacrifice myself for them."
00:27:46 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "Do you honestly think I mean harm to Sy----? Or that Z----, her sister at one time, does?"
00:28:09 "Neither of you could even scratch her fair skin.", C--- says in a soft voice.
00:28:21 "Then why are you worried?", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:28:50 (quiet) C--- takes a few steps backs and motions towards the pair.
00:28:50 C--- says in a soft voice, "I'm not."
00:29:22 C--- says quietly, "I have faith in her abilities."
He was trying to get me to fight her there, which is something I didn’t want to do so I ignored it, focusing on the rescue, not the fight.
00:29:28 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Then all your trying to do is not to protect is it?"
00:29:49 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "You continue to lie to yourself, to try to convince yourself."
00:29:53 "I give strength to those that are under my care.", C--- says quietly.
00:29:58 C--- says in a soft voice, "Ask her yourself."
00:30:09 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "No need, we all do that, it's called love."
00:30:13 You smile at C--- .
00:30:26 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "It's why we used to fight."
00:30:37 "I give them the power to defend themselves.", C--- says softly. "I don't fight their battles for them, don't cheat them of the growth that conflict provides."
00:30:41 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "And in some ways I believe it's why you still fight."
00:31:22 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "That's honorable, and right. But you know you've gone too far, it's time to choose to come back from it C---.... you still can."
00:31:55 You shrug.
00:32:15 "Why?", C--- says quietly.
00:32:15 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "I find conflict is ever present, with or without someone shielding you, or holding you up."
00:32:28 "As is growth", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
I remember smelling the night air and hearing birds through the support mindlink at that time, it was refreshing to feel exactly what I needed to continue after him.
00:33:00 "What do you seek? Peace?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:33:14 "You hope to find that on your current path?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:33:23 "Peace is a lie. Conflict is ever present in the galaxy.", C--- says quietly.
00:33:29 "Lack of pain? Control?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:33:46 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "What do you pursue so doggedly old friend?"
00:33:48 "I flourish upon pain, my own and that of those that abide within this galaxy.", C--- says, rather quietly.
I began to draw on all the force giving items I had stashed there, as well as the love and offered strength of the family….
00:34:49 C--- shrugs his shoulders helplessly.
00:34:49 C--- says softly, "I means to restructure the galaxy."
00:34:55 "To what end?", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:35:34 You smile at C--- .
00:36:07 C--- says softly, "The eradication of weakness."
00:36:07 C--- shrugs his shoulders helplessly.
00:36:37 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Hmmmm, what would be left?"
00:36:41 "There is no easy way to put my goals into words..", C--- says in a soft voice.
00:36:41 (quiet) C--- trails off, his eyes seem to stare through the wall of the building.
00:36:53 "Try, you know you don't have to use words with me.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:37:23 C--- says softly, "You cannot touch my mind in your present state. He would destroy yours."
00:38:06 (quiet) C--- glances over to Sy---- and jerks his head towards the exit.
00:38:28 "Ahhh....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. "So you aren't alone, I thought that might be the case....."
At this point Ky-----. Had to drop the link, later I learned Sy---- was coming for him and he couldn’t remain.
00:39:13 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Fight C---, talk to me without him, you're strong."
00:39:42 C--- laughs at you.
00:39:48 C--- says, rather quietly, "Why?"
00:39:49 Sy---- Luin sluggishly raises a eyebrow and nods, walking out past Noel, tossing an annoyed sneer at him.
00:40:57 "Because, you talked about savrafice for your friends....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. "I came here to do that...."
00:41:12 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "But not for my family, for a friend I wasn't there for long ago"
00:41:15 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "You."
00:41:26 C--- raises an eyebrow at you.
00:41:26 C--- says, rather quietly, "You would give your own life?"
00:41:36 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Of course...."
00:41:47 "I have an old comrade to save.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:42:16 "But I can't beat him, without you.....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
At this point the good in C--- was easy to reach, so I started to push harder, wrapping the room in love and care for the man I used to know, taking the love of my family from the link and converting it, offering it to him, dividing him against himself. Trying to send him strength for his internal fight....
00:42:51 C--- says evilly, "Stop that."
00:43:08 "Are you ready to be free of him?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm. "You know he's the weakness."
00:43:26 "Help me fight for you C---.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:43:27 C--- says, full of evil, "He has sculpted me into somethign stronger"
00:43:37 "And weaker.....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
I pushed even harder, not at him, just filling the room with it.
00:44:15 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "He hasn't sculpted C---, he's taken, Time to take it bacKy-----"
00:44:22 C--- howls evilly, "Stop it!"
00:44:28 "Take back control, take back your life.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
00:44:46 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "*adding in love, showing C--- that noel still cares*"
00:45:28 "We can beat him C---, I know we can.... Help me, take back your life.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
00:46:36 "All you have to do is let me in, side by side, like the old days.....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm. "Together."
00:46:45 "Don't try this nonsense on me!", C--- shouts, full of evil.
00:46:45 (malevolent) C--- 's visage seems to pass under a shadow as he quivers in his rage. His face seems to grow much older and his eyes rapdily become bloodshot. A blast of the Force flies from C--- towards Noelyci as he screams.
(unidentified voice) “You got up quickly, force thrown at you?”
Aye, but I pulled on the love I requested down the link and stood up straighter then I was before….
00:47:38 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Ah, then, see, he can be fought."
00:47:50 "Let's go C---, let's get the bastard.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:48:32 (malevolent) C--- hisses through his teeth.
00:48:32 "I will NOT betray my Master, not yet.", C--- says, full of evil.
00:49:01 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "If not now, with someone to help, with someone who cares, that will die to help..... When?"
At that point I was calling out to the part of C--- I could sense, trying to offer him a pathway to help…. To me.
00:49:45 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Come over here and we'll fight him together....."
00:49:47 Sy---- Luin is sneering even darker than before, clenching the hilt of her saber as she walks back in, making no effort to be quiet or sublte about it.
00:49:56 Sy---- Luin blinks in disbelief at you.
00:49:56 Sy---- Luin raises an eyebrow at you.
00:50:07 "When I have gleaned every last bit of knowledge I can from him, and when I assume the mantle of Darth Exuro.", C--- says malevolently. "NOT before then."
00:50:10 "I care C---, always did.", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:50:18 (malevolent) C--- glowers in his rage.
00:50:39 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Even when you make it damn difficult, we don't have to like each other to fight together."
00:50:57 "Let me help you destroy him.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
00:51:31 "You would sell yourself over to the Dark Side, as I did?", C--- says malevolently.
00:51:43 "No....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm. "I don't need to."
00:51:44 Sy---- Luin rolls her eyes in disgust at the conversation as she catches back up, absently walking around while playing with her saber in her gloved hand.
00:51:56 "I stand on the sword.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
00:52:38 "What's dark about saving a friend, or fighting tyranny?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
00:52:42 You smile at C--- .
00:52:51 "Things you believe in.", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:53:16 "Why should I care about Empires and Republics?", C--- says evilly.
00:53:24 C--- says, full of evil, "They all crumble into decay and ruin."
00:53:45 "The tyranny of your mind is worse then those.....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
00:53:54 "...", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. "And you hate it. I can feel it."
00:54:08 "Stop avoiding it, fight for it.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. "Take it bacKy-----"
00:54:17 C--- says evilly, "That depends on what you define as the tyranny of my mind."
00:54:34 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Stand the fuck up Colonel and fight for the most valuable thing you have, yourself."
00:54:56 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "*still pushing*"
00:55:32 "I said STOP!", C--- howls, full of evil.
He tried to knock me over again, but this time I had no problem standing…. Because it wasn’t him…. It was something else.
00:55:43 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "Never."
00:55:47 Sy---- Luin frowns.
00:55:49 "I care about you C---", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:56:03 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "That will not change. (firmly and with certainity)"
00:56:23 C--- shakes his head negatively at you.
00:56:23 C--- says evilly, "You are a fool."
00:56:39 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia comes back with more force, love and concern wrapped force back at C---.
00:56:46 "Maybe, but I'm loyal.", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:56:50 You smile at C--- .
Was interesting, Z---- was sending memories down the link, memories that gave me such a solid place to fight from. Because even though I was there to rescue someone, this was definitely a fight.
00:57:22 C--- howls malevolently, "I don't WANT THIS! You say you care, yet you try to force these things upon me!?"
00:58:24 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "I'm not forcing, you can take or not, just wrapping it around you, letting you see the truth of it."
00:58:32 "Devia ATTACKED ME because Sy---- wanted to be by my side damnit Noelyci, I don't WANT to join you again! Not people with that type of character!", C--- howls, full of evil.
00:58:56 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "I don't ask you to join anybody but me C---, nobody else is in here."
00:59:53 (malevolent) C--- snarls deep in the back of his throat and then screams incoherently for a duration.
01:00:26 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia fills the room with care, and the absolute certainity that C--- can do this, if he want's to.
01:01:17 "Stop it..stop it...stop it...Stop it...Stop It", C--- jabbers malevolently.
01:01:23 "STOP IT!", C--- shouts evilly.
01:01:36 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia dials it up.
01:02:09 "Stop what? Telling the truth.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:02:34 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia offers C--- his hand.
01:02:51 "These sensations...stop it...I don't want them", C--- says malevolently.
01:03:17 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "I'm not causing anything other than options my friend...."
01:03:23 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "Ones you thought were gone"
01:03:52 C--- says malevolently, "Ones I don't -want- Noelyci!"
01:04:03 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "Then why are you still here?"
01:04:49 C--- says malevolently, "I don't knoow.."
01:04:49 (malevolent) C--- sounds frantic as he clutches his head in his hands.
01:05:04 Sy---- Luin frowns at C--- .
01:05:32 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Take my hand C---, let's fight together again, against the voice in the back of your head."
01:07:13 C--- says malevolently, "No...no...no no no no nononononono NO"
01:07:13 (malevolent) C--- shakes his head in his hands.
01:07:42 Sy---- Luin frowns as she watches, but has faith in C---, letting him deal with noel.
01:09:57 "I'm here C---.....", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly. "Your choice."
01:10:34 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "How long it's been since somebody offered this?"
01:10:41 "You can feel I'm sincere.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:11:03 "Never..never..never....never..never......never....I'll never join you", C--- says, full of evil.
01:11:16 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Allow me to join you C---..... In your fight."
01:11:31 Sy---- Luin mutters.
01:11:31 "Leave him alone..", Sy---- Luin says. "And let's leave this place C---.."
01:11:34 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "I need nothing from you."
01:12:05 "I will not subvert you.... I will not control you....", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
01:12:34 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "I will only care for the man I knew."
01:12:55 C--- mumbles evilly, "He no longer exists in that form."
01:13:11 "Maybe, but what's left is still worth saving.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:13:30 Sy---- Luin grits her teeth.
01:13:41 "Nothing is left that NEEDS saving", C--- says, full of evil.
01:14:06 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "The fact you still stand here listening to me, hoping, proves the lie in that statement."
01:14:44 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "You cannot convince me to leave C---, I won't abandon this, you can walk away from it, but then it will be your choice."
01:14:54 C--- says, full of evil, "Be silent!"
01:15:04 "Would taht make it easier?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:15:11 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "To ignore, to lie to yourself?"
01:15:15 "Let's leave.. C---, nothing can be gained from this.", Sy---- Luin mumbles.
01:15:44 You disagree with Sy---- Luin.
01:16:06 C--- says evilly, "I'm not lying to myself....I'm not"
01:16:44 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "So, your choice brother.... Leave, convince yourself that you don't hope. Take the punishment for your quandry, live with the battle, or end it, gain an ally, and be yourself again."
01:18:18 "No...no....no", C--- says, full of evil.
01:18:18 (malevolent) C--- 's face contorts in physical anguish and he clutches at his chest.
01:18:20 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia moves his hand, still held out.
01:19:02 "No to what my friend?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:19:56 (malevolent) C--- seems unable to speak, still clutching and clawing at his chest. He drops down to one knee.
01:20:09 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia lowers his hand, offering to help him up.
01:20:18 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "Do you need help C---. Just asKy-----"
01:20:23 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "Just take my hand."
01:21:17 Sy---- Luin worry settles in her eyes as she starts to step closer, squeezing her saber tightly.
01:21:35 (painful) C--- doesn't move, whether out of hesitation or physical pain is unknown.
01:22:03 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia clearly makes no move, showing Sy---- he is doing nothing....
01:22:14 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia ... but his hand remains extended.
01:24:57 Sy---- Luin blinks in disbelief at C--- .
01:24:58 Sy---- Luin says, "The hell..?"
01:25:45 "..stop it...PLEASE.....make it stop..", C--- whispers with great difficulty.
01:25:58 "Can I take your hand C---?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:26:07 Sy---- Luin snaps her gaze to Noel.
01:26:07 Sy---- Luin says, "Stop whatever your doing.."
01:26:25 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia is wrapped in an immense amount of power.
01:26:42 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "I'm only talking...."
01:26:57 "...only trying to help a friend.", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
01:27:01 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Or two."
01:27:07 Sy---- Luin says, "Bullshit.."
01:27:07 Sy---- Luin sneers at C--- .
01:27:07 Sy---- Luin says, "Your hurting him.."
01:27:14 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "He's hurting himself."
01:27:22 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "Has been for a long long time."
01:27:36 (painful) C--- nods and shakes his head at the same time.
01:27:36 C--- whispers with great pain, ".just...make it stop.."
These are the words that gave me permission, this is where he asked for my help….
01:28:35 Sy---- Luin slowly starts to slide her thumb towards the small activation stud on her saber, clenching her teeth together.
01:28:43 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia Includes Sy---- in the emotion wrapped force hes projecting.
01:29:04 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "You can feel what I'm doing Sy----, I care about you both, that's all this is. Is loyalty and friendship."
01:29:11 (painful) C--- screams in agony.
01:29:28 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia touches C---s twisted claw gently.
01:29:33 "It's alright C---.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:29:40 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "I'm here."
01:29:46 Sy---- Luin seems to be effected much less by Noels efforts for some reason, almost shrugging it off.
01:29:46 "Your trying to twist him to your ways..", Sy---- Luin says.
01:30:02 You disagree with Sy---- Luin.
01:30:13 "I just want my friend back Sy----, you too.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:31:09 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia opens some form of path with the physical touch....
01:31:39 C--- rolls his eyes and they fall back into his skull.
01:31:42 "It's alright C---, I have your 6.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:31:54 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "Trust me. (to both of them)"
01:32:29 Sy---- Luin says, "Stop it!"
01:32:29 Sy---- Luin snarls out, more at for what is happening to C---, than herself.. still not really being touched by it.
I told him through a tenative mind linKy-----... "Come on, come over here and we'll fight him together....
01:32:59 "I cannot.... Too late for that.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
01:33:32 "I will not abandon a friend in need.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:34:11 (painful) C--- 's being seems to begin to pass through into Noelyci, whereas a large part of it also clings to C---'s form.
01:34:23 You gasp for air!
01:34:27 Sy---- Luin jams her thumb down over the leather covered activation stud, the blade snapping to life in the air as she watches.
01:34:52 "There, thank you my friend.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:35:22 (painful) C--- falls backwards, his eyes falling closed as he hits the ground.....limp.
01:35:23 You tell C---, '*ms Prepares a place in the back of himself for what he recieved.'.
01:35:37 You smile at Sy---- Luin.
01:35:48 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "It's alright, he's fine.... With me now."
01:36:07 Sy---- Luin her thumb slips off the stud in a moment of shock, the blade retracting as she rushes over to C---'s limp form, bending down to press a hand to his cheek, looking up wildly at noel.
01:36:08 Sy---- Luin says, "What did you do?!"
01:36:08 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "The one responsible can now pay for his crimes."
01:36:27 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Nothing, he chose to save what remained."
01:36:35 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "I provided a means."
I pulled my saber out but didn't ignite it, trying to remain calm.... 01:37:42 Sy---- Luin snarls wildly, her fingers twitching back from C---'s cold cheeKy-----
01:37:42 Sy---- Luin says, "You.. You've almost killed him.. and used that sick side of the force on him.."
01:38:02 "No, I saved him, the shell on the floor isn't C---.", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
01:38:11 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "And can be destroyed."
01:39:19 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Stand back Sy----..... It's time...."
01:39:22 Sy---- Luin clenches her teeth, her face contoring through a series of painful emotions, squeezing her eyes shut as she slowly stands back up.
01:39:22 Sy---- Luin says, "You.. Son of a bitch.."
01:39:22 Sy---- Luin snaps her eyes back open, glaring at him with seething hatred.
01:39:22 Sy---- Luin says, "I hope your ready to awnser for what you've done.."
01:39:52 Sy---- Luin says, "Never!"
01:39:52 Sy---- Luin twists her wrist, her saber sprining back to life, held over C---'s body.
01:39:52 Sy---- Luin says, "Don't.. Touch him."
01:39:55 "What is it you think I've done?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:40:15 "You've hurt him.. And are trying to kill him.. that's all I care about..", Sy---- Luin says.
01:40:46 "Alright, fine.... Take him with you, but pay close attention Sy----, the part that cares about you isn't there anymore.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:40:53 Sy---- Luin growls at you.
01:41:06 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "Be very very careful....."
01:41:21 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "What has complete control now, isn't what we love."
01:41:22 "He's always cared about me and always will..", Sy---- Luin says. "Watch your back, scum.. I'll repay you one day.. and we both know who would win between us."
01:41:26 Sy---- Luin glares at you.
01:41:36 "Aye, if it came to it.", Noelyci Ineucelia says.
01:41:37 "You know nothing.. And presume so much.", Sy---- Luin says.
01:41:49 Noelyci Ineucelia says,somewhat depressed, "But I don't intend to fight you Sy----, not the way you mean."
01:42:11 "Perhaps, but what if I'm right?", Noelyci Ineucelia says.
01:42:18 Sy---- Luin gives him a sick, twisted, grin.
01:42:18 "It'd be the only way, what you just did to him..", Sy---- Luin says. "Wouldn't work on me. Food for thought.."
01:42:33 Sy---- Luin says, "Your not right.. You have but a taste of the force and think you suddenly know everything."
01:42:38 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "I did nothing to him, nothing I don't do for you right now."
01:42:48 Sy---- Luin snorts at you.
01:42:50 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "I know very very little."
01:43:01 "And freely admit it.", Noelyci Ineucelia says.
01:43:12 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "But I love very very much."
01:43:17 Sy---- Luin says, "Spare me the annoyance Noelyci.. And leave, before I chase you out. You can do nothing to me.. and I will not let you do anything else to him."
01:43:39 "This is my place Sy----.", Noelyci Ineucelia says. "You can leave if you wish."
01:44:11 "Drag the corpse out with you if you must, it's long dead, has been even when it was walking around.", Noelyci Ineucelia says.
01:44:25 Sy---- Luin narrows her eyes dangerously.
01:44:25 "Then get out of my way and sight.. If C--- wasn't laying here like this, you'd already be fending me off despertly by now.", Sy---- Luin says.
01:44:43 You bow to Sy---- Luin.
01:44:51 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "Be my guest"
01:45:34 Sy---- Luin closes her eyes again, shuddering madly as she deactivates the saber, extending her free hand down at C---.
01:46:03 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "Once your'e past your pain, if you need to talKy-----..."
01:46:25 "..", Noelyci Ineucelia says. "You know how to find me."
01:46:36 Sy---- Luin calls on the force to lift him up, stalking out of the building while floating him along side her.
01:46:36 "I don't NEED to talk.", Sy---- Luin says. "Oh.. and next time I see you or Z----.. I am not.. being so nice.."
01:46:49 "Z---- had nothing to do with this.", Noelyci Ineucelia says.
01:47:09 "She was with that bastard outside..", Sy---- Luin says. "She has everything to do with this."
01:47:22 Sy---- Luin says, "Next time, I will do more than leave her bleeding on the street.."
01:47:31 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "Don't be misguided in your anger"
*soft sound of sobbing* I did the right thing…… I just hope that I didn’t destroy another….
*end recording*
I recorded the debriefing, I wanted to be able to reflect on it later… But here’s the record.
(unidentified voice) “This is *static* performing the debriefing of Colonel Noelyci Ineucelia, currently assigned to Intel with the *static* concerning his encounter with *static* who is commander of the *static* This debriefing is being conducted remotely due to the extreme exhaustion of Colonel Ineucelia after this confrontation and at his Commander’s request. You may begin Colonel”
B----- called me, told me that C--- wanted to meet, so badly that he had kidnapped J-----, B-----’s wife. I told him to have C--- meet me at the gallery and I was warned it was a trap… But it’s alright, I’d been heading for this conversation for quite some time, C--- just forced the timing…
I rushed to the gallery from across system, I had already handed in my unit id and comm, just in case, earlier that evening, so that it would be seen as a personal endeavor…. Which it was… When I entered Sy---- was standing beside C--- and I greeted them in a friendly manner…. Trying to put them off balance… they were both there with weapons, so I sat down and started talking, on the floor, not a threat at all…
(at this the unidentified voice chuckled) “You’re a threat tied up…” (barely heard on the recording)
I asked them about Ji---- ... that part is a bit fuzzy to me, it was banal, opening moves, nothing to be concerned about and I don’t truly remember it.
First thing I remember is C saying, “I could care less about her fate.” … which I figured was a lie or she’d already be dead at his feet.
I stayed calm and responded, “In that case let's let her go, and have that chat we've been talking about.”
“If my hunters wish to keep the hunt going or not is their choice, not mine.” … Another lie, C--- dosen’t let anything of his go uncontrolled if he can help it.
“Really? Thought you had more command that that..... surprising.... Slipping?” I replied still being friendly, but trying to keep him off balance.
“Why should I stop them from killing, it makes no difference to me if or who they kill, A life lost is a life lost.” This rang true, but he was still talking so I kept negotiating.
“Why do you need them here, I would have met with you anyway, you are slipping.” And I grinned at him.
He asked a truly stupid question which showed he didn’t understand the effects of all his actions from a human standpoint, “Why do you need that gaggle?”
He meant Z----, KY-----, Sh----, Ti---, B----- And the rest who knew what was going on and were about a quarter click away. At the time I was sharing a mindlink with those who were able….
I responded, “I've asked them to leave, they won't, they're afraid we mean each other harm.” I had asked them to leave, I didn’t want their anger tinging my actions, I was there to save C--- and they were there to protect me…. Wasn’t sure both would happen.
Ever the conversationalist C--- responded “That is where we differ then.”
I pointed out the error in his reasoning, “I'm just coming to talk to an old friend, although with Sy---- here it makes two. Plus you assured their involvement by involving Ji.
I say we get rid of the hangers on, go downstairs and have a drink, talk about old times, and the future.”
He again laid blame on other things “They offer me too many pressure points, it's their own fault for not taking proper precautions.”
I tried for a joke, changing tactics briefly, trying to keep him from getting a flow going, “Really, I’ve got this huge knot in my back... wish you could get it out....”, smiling as I said it.
“I don't drink Why not have precious Z---- take care of that for you?” he asked. I still don’t know why he deliberately chooses to misunderstand our relationship.
“She isn't mine, and she has her happiness, which pleases me.” I took a short pause. Then I aimed for his weakness, “So I guess you have no choices, no options, you're worse then a droid then C---?”
He answered relatively quickly, too quickly to see the danger, “My choices are my own still”
“Have to apply pressure, no choice, have no control over your hunters, no choice, have to meet destiny, no choice..... sounds very droidlike to me.... I pity you C---” was my response.
“Having control and exerting control are two different things.” He said.
I kept the pressure on, “Are they? Hmmmm, how would you know if you didn't exercise the option?”
He attempted to switch to someone else I knew, though she was not much of a concern of mine, “J---, she has repeatedly pledged her loyalty to me, and I have repeatedly told her to find someone that wouldn't get her killed to pledge their loyalty to.”
I tried to get him to have Sy---- leave, and to protect Ji---- “Call off the dogs C---, so we can talk freely.”
He rankled, “Telling me to do something isn't a wise move in theis particular topic of discussion.”
“Eliminate all the posturing....You're restricting both our options. *shrug* Hell, you're the one who wanted to talk to me. You'd think you'd want me comfortable enough to talKy-----” I tried for angling at the information he needed.
“Talk? Who said anything about talk?” yet he was talking, so it was working so far.
If he got me to think of this as a fight, rather than a rescue it was over… I couldn’t allow him to dictate my actions, I remained calm, drawing on the link with my family.
I went back to the goodness I had perceived, making him uncomfortable and unsure of himself, “Ah.... well then, youve thought about our last conversation then? Didn't like the conclusion, and now you force yourself to reject it by having your crew around you.”
“Refresh my memorty of that discussion I don't consider Sy---- part of my 'crew' Noelyci.”
“I don't consider Sy---- anything but a friend. But where's Ji.?” I needed to assure her safety before I continuted this.
“In a house on Tat the last time I heard from the seeker droids.” I still was worried…. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t control the people he had under him.
“Ah, my mistkae, thought you'd have her close by.” I tried for another slam to his competence.
“Are you really so foolish?” he attempted.
Problem is I can laugh at myself now, “I don't know, it's possible, What do you think is foolish about me at the moment?”
“Beinon is easily decieved, he was bluffed.” "Good, Glad to see you are still in there somewhere," I appealed to the goodness again, and that was my tactic from thereon out."Deciet has always been a part of my ways.”
“As has mercy,”
“Heh, mercy?”
“You didn't kill me at times you could have, you aren't slaughtering Sy---- though she could rival your power in the force, looks like mercy to me.”
“Our sense of mercy contradicts.You and I fought together C---, you can't pretend too completely with me.”
“How little you know about me.”
He didn’t like this, he thought he’d try to distance himself from me, from the love and care I was wrapping in force and pouring into the room. Something I learned from another friend.
*small pause in the debriefing*(unidentified voice) “If you want to just relate the conversation at this point, rather then your impressions, this might be easer…”
Ky-----. Felt my need through the link and offered strength through the bond B----- did the same through Z---- I kept hammering away, " How much you've forgotten about yourself."
“I remember my old self clearly.”
“O? Tell me.”
He replied, “A weak and whimpering coward with a fool's head on his shoulder.”
I tried again to distract Sy---- “Need a drink?”
“I don't drink” This was actually good, it showed he was focused on me.
“I shrug, Just trying to be a good host.... how about you Sy----?”
Sy---- shook her head and frowned.
“Was it foolish to love?”
“I did not know the meaning of the word until I found Sy----” was his response, although I think he still dosen’t.
“O, good.... Glad to know you've found each other then.”
The link remained active, Z---- pouring out the dance and the talus mountain air with her strength.
That led me to ask, “Was it foolish to care about Z----, if it wasn't love? Or me, or the unit....? Or to see what the tools you've used could do to protect, to preserve?”
“She is weak and incompetant, the unit were uncaring heartless bastards.” Which showed his anger…. And a wedge.
I reminded him that it was a one sided dissolution, “Now, now, you walked away from me C---... Though I've moved to protect, I have never fought you have I? I've always tried to care, though you can be an ass about it.” And I smiled.
He chuckled at me and responded, “You were nowhere to be found back then.”
I nodded, “And for that I'm sorry. If I could have been I would.”
He tried to rewrite things, “And you have inadvertently fought me, forgotten RS so soon?”
I countered, showing him nuances he hadn’t thought of, “I have helped those I care for, I have protected the patrons at the jam, I have never shot you in the back, or the front for that matter.”
His fatalistic response was shrugging and responding, “You should have”
I got to the gambit I had for defeating him, “Maybe, but that's not the act of a friend.”
C--- shrugged his shoulders looking a little lost and in a soft voice said, “We're on opposite sides of a conflict.”
(Unidentified voice) “And that’s when we got the feed from your gallery security… Would you like to see the transcription of it or keep talking?"
[] begin transcript "Maybe, but what is it you pursue," Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. 00:25:26 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "You ever ask for it?"
00:25:47 "I just want to protect my family....", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:26:13 "The threat goes away and we can continue to be friends.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
00:26:20 You agree with C--- .
00:26:29 "You're absolutely right.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:27:07 "So why the big show to get me here?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. "Afraid I might be able to? Or still trying to convince yourself that you aren't facing a choice every day?"
00:27:15 "That you're locked in yet in control?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
00:27:16 C--- shrugs his shoulders helplessly.
00:27:16 "Maybe I seek the same thing.", C--- says quietly. "Except I'm willing to sacrifice myself for them."
00:27:46 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "Do you honestly think I mean harm to Sy----? Or that Z----, her sister at one time, does?"
00:28:09 "Neither of you could even scratch her fair skin.", C--- says in a soft voice.
00:28:21 "Then why are you worried?", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:28:50 (quiet) C--- takes a few steps backs and motions towards the pair.
00:28:50 C--- says in a soft voice, "I'm not."
00:29:22 C--- says quietly, "I have faith in her abilities."
He was trying to get me to fight her there, which is something I didn’t want to do so I ignored it, focusing on the rescue, not the fight.
00:29:28 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Then all your trying to do is not to protect is it?"
00:29:49 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "You continue to lie to yourself, to try to convince yourself."
00:29:53 "I give strength to those that are under my care.", C--- says quietly.
00:29:58 C--- says in a soft voice, "Ask her yourself."
00:30:09 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "No need, we all do that, it's called love."
00:30:13 You smile at C--- .
00:30:26 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "It's why we used to fight."
00:30:37 "I give them the power to defend themselves.", C--- says softly. "I don't fight their battles for them, don't cheat them of the growth that conflict provides."
00:30:41 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "And in some ways I believe it's why you still fight."
00:31:22 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "That's honorable, and right. But you know you've gone too far, it's time to choose to come back from it C---.... you still can."
00:31:55 You shrug.
00:32:15 "Why?", C--- says quietly.
00:32:15 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "I find conflict is ever present, with or without someone shielding you, or holding you up."
00:32:28 "As is growth", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
I remember smelling the night air and hearing birds through the support mindlink at that time, it was refreshing to feel exactly what I needed to continue after him.
00:33:00 "What do you seek? Peace?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:33:14 "You hope to find that on your current path?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:33:23 "Peace is a lie. Conflict is ever present in the galaxy.", C--- says quietly.
00:33:29 "Lack of pain? Control?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:33:46 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "What do you pursue so doggedly old friend?"
00:33:48 "I flourish upon pain, my own and that of those that abide within this galaxy.", C--- says, rather quietly.
I began to draw on all the force giving items I had stashed there, as well as the love and offered strength of the family….
00:34:49 C--- shrugs his shoulders helplessly.
00:34:49 C--- says softly, "I means to restructure the galaxy."
00:34:55 "To what end?", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:35:34 You smile at C--- .
00:36:07 C--- says softly, "The eradication of weakness."
00:36:07 C--- shrugs his shoulders helplessly.
00:36:37 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Hmmmm, what would be left?"
00:36:41 "There is no easy way to put my goals into words..", C--- says in a soft voice.
00:36:41 (quiet) C--- trails off, his eyes seem to stare through the wall of the building.
00:36:53 "Try, you know you don't have to use words with me.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:37:23 C--- says softly, "You cannot touch my mind in your present state. He would destroy yours."
00:38:06 (quiet) C--- glances over to Sy---- and jerks his head towards the exit.
00:38:28 "Ahhh....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. "So you aren't alone, I thought that might be the case....."
At this point Ky-----. Had to drop the link, later I learned Sy---- was coming for him and he couldn’t remain.
00:39:13 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Fight C---, talk to me without him, you're strong."
00:39:42 C--- laughs at you.
00:39:48 C--- says, rather quietly, "Why?"
00:39:49 Sy---- Luin sluggishly raises a eyebrow and nods, walking out past Noel, tossing an annoyed sneer at him.
00:40:57 "Because, you talked about savrafice for your friends....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. "I came here to do that...."
00:41:12 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "But not for my family, for a friend I wasn't there for long ago"
00:41:15 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "You."
00:41:26 C--- raises an eyebrow at you.
00:41:26 C--- says, rather quietly, "You would give your own life?"
00:41:36 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Of course...."
00:41:47 "I have an old comrade to save.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:42:16 "But I can't beat him, without you.....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
At this point the good in C--- was easy to reach, so I started to push harder, wrapping the room in love and care for the man I used to know, taking the love of my family from the link and converting it, offering it to him, dividing him against himself. Trying to send him strength for his internal fight....
00:42:51 C--- says evilly, "Stop that."
00:43:08 "Are you ready to be free of him?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm. "You know he's the weakness."
00:43:26 "Help me fight for you C---.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:43:27 C--- says, full of evil, "He has sculpted me into somethign stronger"
00:43:37 "And weaker.....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
I pushed even harder, not at him, just filling the room with it.
00:44:15 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "He hasn't sculpted C---, he's taken, Time to take it bacKy-----"
00:44:22 C--- howls evilly, "Stop it!"
00:44:28 "Take back control, take back your life.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
00:44:46 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "*adding in love, showing C--- that noel still cares*"
00:45:28 "We can beat him C---, I know we can.... Help me, take back your life.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
00:46:36 "All you have to do is let me in, side by side, like the old days.....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm. "Together."
00:46:45 "Don't try this nonsense on me!", C--- shouts, full of evil.
00:46:45 (malevolent) C--- 's visage seems to pass under a shadow as he quivers in his rage. His face seems to grow much older and his eyes rapdily become bloodshot. A blast of the Force flies from C--- towards Noelyci as he screams.
(unidentified voice) “You got up quickly, force thrown at you?”
Aye, but I pulled on the love I requested down the link and stood up straighter then I was before….
00:47:38 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Ah, then, see, he can be fought."
00:47:50 "Let's go C---, let's get the bastard.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
00:48:32 (malevolent) C--- hisses through his teeth.
00:48:32 "I will NOT betray my Master, not yet.", C--- says, full of evil.
00:49:01 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "If not now, with someone to help, with someone who cares, that will die to help..... When?"
At that point I was calling out to the part of C--- I could sense, trying to offer him a pathway to help…. To me.
00:49:45 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Come over here and we'll fight him together....."
00:49:47 Sy---- Luin is sneering even darker than before, clenching the hilt of her saber as she walks back in, making no effort to be quiet or sublte about it.
00:49:56 Sy---- Luin blinks in disbelief at you.
00:49:56 Sy---- Luin raises an eyebrow at you.
00:50:07 "When I have gleaned every last bit of knowledge I can from him, and when I assume the mantle of Darth Exuro.", C--- says malevolently. "NOT before then."
00:50:10 "I care C---, always did.", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:50:18 (malevolent) C--- glowers in his rage.
00:50:39 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Even when you make it damn difficult, we don't have to like each other to fight together."
00:50:57 "Let me help you destroy him.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
00:51:31 "You would sell yourself over to the Dark Side, as I did?", C--- says malevolently.
00:51:43 "No....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm. "I don't need to."
00:51:44 Sy---- Luin rolls her eyes in disgust at the conversation as she catches back up, absently walking around while playing with her saber in her gloved hand.
00:51:56 "I stand on the sword.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
00:52:38 "What's dark about saving a friend, or fighting tyranny?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
00:52:42 You smile at C--- .
00:52:51 "Things you believe in.", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:53:16 "Why should I care about Empires and Republics?", C--- says evilly.
00:53:24 C--- says, full of evil, "They all crumble into decay and ruin."
00:53:45 "The tyranny of your mind is worse then those.....", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
00:53:54 "...", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. "And you hate it. I can feel it."
00:54:08 "Stop avoiding it, fight for it.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be. "Take it bacKy-----"
00:54:17 C--- says evilly, "That depends on what you define as the tyranny of my mind."
00:54:34 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Stand the fuck up Colonel and fight for the most valuable thing you have, yourself."
00:54:56 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "*still pushing*"
00:55:32 "I said STOP!", C--- howls, full of evil.
He tried to knock me over again, but this time I had no problem standing…. Because it wasn’t him…. It was something else.
00:55:43 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "Never."
00:55:47 Sy---- Luin frowns.
00:55:49 "I care about you C---", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:56:03 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "That will not change. (firmly and with certainity)"
00:56:23 C--- shakes his head negatively at you.
00:56:23 C--- says evilly, "You are a fool."
00:56:39 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia comes back with more force, love and concern wrapped force back at C---.
00:56:46 "Maybe, but I'm loyal.", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
00:56:50 You smile at C--- .
Was interesting, Z---- was sending memories down the link, memories that gave me such a solid place to fight from. Because even though I was there to rescue someone, this was definitely a fight.
00:57:22 C--- howls malevolently, "I don't WANT THIS! You say you care, yet you try to force these things upon me!?"
00:58:24 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "I'm not forcing, you can take or not, just wrapping it around you, letting you see the truth of it."
00:58:32 "Devia ATTACKED ME because Sy---- wanted to be by my side damnit Noelyci, I don't WANT to join you again! Not people with that type of character!", C--- howls, full of evil.
00:58:56 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "I don't ask you to join anybody but me C---, nobody else is in here."
00:59:53 (malevolent) C--- snarls deep in the back of his throat and then screams incoherently for a duration.
01:00:26 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia fills the room with care, and the absolute certainity that C--- can do this, if he want's to.
01:01:17 "Stop it..stop it...stop it...Stop it...Stop It", C--- jabbers malevolently.
01:01:23 "STOP IT!", C--- shouts evilly.
01:01:36 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia dials it up.
01:02:09 "Stop what? Telling the truth.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:02:34 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia offers C--- his hand.
01:02:51 "These sensations...stop it...I don't want them", C--- says malevolently.
01:03:17 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "I'm not causing anything other than options my friend...."
01:03:23 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "Ones you thought were gone"
01:03:52 C--- says malevolently, "Ones I don't -want- Noelyci!"
01:04:03 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "Then why are you still here?"
01:04:49 C--- says malevolently, "I don't knoow.."
01:04:49 (malevolent) C--- sounds frantic as he clutches his head in his hands.
01:05:04 Sy---- Luin frowns at C--- .
01:05:32 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Take my hand C---, let's fight together again, against the voice in the back of your head."
01:07:13 C--- says malevolently, "No...no...no no no no nononononono NO"
01:07:13 (malevolent) C--- shakes his head in his hands.
01:07:42 Sy---- Luin frowns as she watches, but has faith in C---, letting him deal with noel.
01:09:57 "I'm here C---.....", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly. "Your choice."
01:10:34 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "How long it's been since somebody offered this?"
01:10:41 "You can feel I'm sincere.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:11:03 "Never..never..never....never..never......never....I'll never join you", C--- says, full of evil.
01:11:16 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Allow me to join you C---..... In your fight."
01:11:31 Sy---- Luin mutters.
01:11:31 "Leave him alone..", Sy---- Luin says. "And let's leave this place C---.."
01:11:34 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "I need nothing from you."
01:12:05 "I will not subvert you.... I will not control you....", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
01:12:34 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "I will only care for the man I knew."
01:12:55 C--- mumbles evilly, "He no longer exists in that form."
01:13:11 "Maybe, but what's left is still worth saving.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:13:30 Sy---- Luin grits her teeth.
01:13:41 "Nothing is left that NEEDS saving", C--- says, full of evil.
01:14:06 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "The fact you still stand here listening to me, hoping, proves the lie in that statement."
01:14:44 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "You cannot convince me to leave C---, I won't abandon this, you can walk away from it, but then it will be your choice."
01:14:54 C--- says, full of evil, "Be silent!"
01:15:04 "Would taht make it easier?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:15:11 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "To ignore, to lie to yourself?"
01:15:15 "Let's leave.. C---, nothing can be gained from this.", Sy---- Luin mumbles.
01:15:44 You disagree with Sy---- Luin.
01:16:06 C--- says evilly, "I'm not lying to myself....I'm not"
01:16:44 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "So, your choice brother.... Leave, convince yourself that you don't hope. Take the punishment for your quandry, live with the battle, or end it, gain an ally, and be yourself again."
01:18:18 "No...no....no", C--- says, full of evil.
01:18:18 (malevolent) C--- 's face contorts in physical anguish and he clutches at his chest.
01:18:20 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia moves his hand, still held out.
01:19:02 "No to what my friend?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:19:56 (malevolent) C--- seems unable to speak, still clutching and clawing at his chest. He drops down to one knee.
01:20:09 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia lowers his hand, offering to help him up.
01:20:18 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "Do you need help C---. Just asKy-----"
01:20:23 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "Just take my hand."
01:21:17 Sy---- Luin worry settles in her eyes as she starts to step closer, squeezing her saber tightly.
01:21:35 (painful) C--- doesn't move, whether out of hesitation or physical pain is unknown.
01:22:03 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia clearly makes no move, showing Sy---- he is doing nothing....
01:22:14 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia ... but his hand remains extended.
01:24:57 Sy---- Luin blinks in disbelief at C--- .
01:24:58 Sy---- Luin says, "The hell..?"
01:25:45 "..stop it...PLEASE.....make it stop..", C--- whispers with great difficulty.
01:25:58 "Can I take your hand C---?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:26:07 Sy---- Luin snaps her gaze to Noel.
01:26:07 Sy---- Luin says, "Stop whatever your doing.."
01:26:25 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia is wrapped in an immense amount of power.
01:26:42 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "I'm only talking...."
01:26:57 "...only trying to help a friend.", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
01:27:01 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "Or two."
01:27:07 Sy---- Luin says, "Bullshit.."
01:27:07 Sy---- Luin sneers at C--- .
01:27:07 Sy---- Luin says, "Your hurting him.."
01:27:14 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "He's hurting himself."
01:27:22 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "Has been for a long long time."
01:27:36 (painful) C--- nods and shakes his head at the same time.
01:27:36 C--- whispers with great pain, ".just...make it stop.."
These are the words that gave me permission, this is where he asked for my help….
01:28:35 Sy---- Luin slowly starts to slide her thumb towards the small activation stud on her saber, clenching her teeth together.
01:28:43 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia Includes Sy---- in the emotion wrapped force hes projecting.
01:29:04 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "You can feel what I'm doing Sy----, I care about you both, that's all this is. Is loyalty and friendship."
01:29:11 (painful) C--- screams in agony.
01:29:28 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia touches C---s twisted claw gently.
01:29:33 "It's alright C---.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:29:40 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "I'm here."
01:29:46 Sy---- Luin seems to be effected much less by Noels efforts for some reason, almost shrugging it off.
01:29:46 "Your trying to twist him to your ways..", Sy---- Luin says.
01:30:02 You disagree with Sy---- Luin.
01:30:13 "I just want my friend back Sy----, you too.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:31:09 (calm) Noelyci Ineucelia opens some form of path with the physical touch....
01:31:39 C--- rolls his eyes and they fall back into his skull.
01:31:42 "It's alright C---, I have your 6.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:31:54 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "Trust me. (to both of them)"
01:32:29 Sy---- Luin says, "Stop it!"
01:32:29 Sy---- Luin snarls out, more at for what is happening to C---, than herself.. still not really being touched by it.
I told him through a tenative mind linKy-----... "Come on, come over here and we'll fight him together....
01:32:59 "I cannot.... Too late for that.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm.
01:33:32 "I will not abandon a friend in need.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:34:11 (painful) C--- 's being seems to begin to pass through into Noelyci, whereas a large part of it also clings to C---'s form.
01:34:23 You gasp for air!
01:34:27 Sy---- Luin jams her thumb down over the leather covered activation stud, the blade snapping to life in the air as she watches.
01:34:52 "There, thank you my friend.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:35:22 (painful) C--- falls backwards, his eyes falling closed as he hits the ground.....limp.
01:35:23 You tell C---, '*ms Prepares a place in the back of himself for what he recieved.'.
01:35:37 You smile at Sy---- Luin.
01:35:48 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "It's alright, he's fine.... With me now."
01:36:07 Sy---- Luin her thumb slips off the stud in a moment of shock, the blade retracting as she rushes over to C---'s limp form, bending down to press a hand to his cheek, looking up wildly at noel.
01:36:08 Sy---- Luin says, "What did you do?!"
01:36:08 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "The one responsible can now pay for his crimes."
01:36:27 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Nothing, he chose to save what remained."
01:36:35 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "I provided a means."
I pulled my saber out but didn't ignite it, trying to remain calm.... 01:37:42 Sy---- Luin snarls wildly, her fingers twitching back from C---'s cold cheeKy-----
01:37:42 Sy---- Luin says, "You.. You've almost killed him.. and used that sick side of the force on him.."
01:38:02 "No, I saved him, the shell on the floor isn't C---.", Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly.
01:38:11 Noelyci Ineucelia says calmly, "And can be destroyed."
01:39:19 Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be, "Stand back Sy----..... It's time...."
01:39:22 Sy---- Luin clenches her teeth, her face contoring through a series of painful emotions, squeezing her eyes shut as she slowly stands back up.
01:39:22 Sy---- Luin says, "You.. Son of a bitch.."
01:39:22 Sy---- Luin snaps her eyes back open, glaring at him with seething hatred.
01:39:22 Sy---- Luin says, "I hope your ready to awnser for what you've done.."
01:39:52 Sy---- Luin says, "Never!"
01:39:52 Sy---- Luin twists her wrist, her saber sprining back to life, held over C---'s body.
01:39:52 Sy---- Luin says, "Don't.. Touch him."
01:39:55 "What is it you think I've done?", Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm.
01:40:15 "You've hurt him.. And are trying to kill him.. that's all I care about..", Sy---- Luin says.
01:40:46 "Alright, fine.... Take him with you, but pay close attention Sy----, the part that cares about you isn't there anymore.", Noelyci Ineucelia says, calm as can be.
01:40:53 Sy---- Luin growls at you.
01:41:06 Noelyci Ineucelia says, quite calm, "Be very very careful....."
01:41:21 Noelyci Ineucelia says, cool and calm, "What has complete control now, isn't what we love."
01:41:22 "He's always cared about me and always will..", Sy---- Luin says. "Watch your back, scum.. I'll repay you one day.. and we both know who would win between us."
01:41:26 Sy---- Luin glares at you.
01:41:36 "Aye, if it came to it.", Noelyci Ineucelia says.
01:41:37 "You know nothing.. And presume so much.", Sy---- Luin says.
01:41:49 Noelyci Ineucelia says,somewhat depressed, "But I don't intend to fight you Sy----, not the way you mean."
01:42:11 "Perhaps, but what if I'm right?", Noelyci Ineucelia says.
01:42:18 Sy---- Luin gives him a sick, twisted, grin.
01:42:18 "It'd be the only way, what you just did to him..", Sy---- Luin says. "Wouldn't work on me. Food for thought.."
01:42:33 Sy---- Luin says, "Your not right.. You have but a taste of the force and think you suddenly know everything."
01:42:38 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "I did nothing to him, nothing I don't do for you right now."
01:42:48 Sy---- Luin snorts at you.
01:42:50 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "I know very very little."
01:43:01 "And freely admit it.", Noelyci Ineucelia says.
01:43:12 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "But I love very very much."
01:43:17 Sy---- Luin says, "Spare me the annoyance Noelyci.. And leave, before I chase you out. You can do nothing to me.. and I will not let you do anything else to him."
01:43:39 "This is my place Sy----.", Noelyci Ineucelia says. "You can leave if you wish."
01:44:11 "Drag the corpse out with you if you must, it's long dead, has been even when it was walking around.", Noelyci Ineucelia says.
01:44:25 Sy---- Luin narrows her eyes dangerously.
01:44:25 "Then get out of my way and sight.. If C--- wasn't laying here like this, you'd already be fending me off despertly by now.", Sy---- Luin says.
01:44:43 You bow to Sy---- Luin.
01:44:51 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "Be my guest"
01:45:34 Sy---- Luin closes her eyes again, shuddering madly as she deactivates the saber, extending her free hand down at C---.
01:46:03 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "Once your'e past your pain, if you need to talKy-----..."
01:46:25 "..", Noelyci Ineucelia says. "You know how to find me."
01:46:36 Sy---- Luin calls on the force to lift him up, stalking out of the building while floating him along side her.
01:46:36 "I don't NEED to talk.", Sy---- Luin says. "Oh.. and next time I see you or Z----.. I am not.. being so nice.."
01:46:49 "Z---- had nothing to do with this.", Noelyci Ineucelia says.
01:47:09 "She was with that bastard outside..", Sy---- Luin says. "She has everything to do with this."
01:47:22 Sy---- Luin says, "Next time, I will do more than leave her bleeding on the street.."
01:47:31 Noelyci Ineucelia says, "Don't be misguided in your anger"
*soft sound of sobbing* I did the right thing…… I just hope that I didn’t destroy another….
*end recording*
The Sleep of the Damned.
Published .
[originally posted 11/14/2005]
So tired.... Sh---- must have gotten me here last night... by the time it was over I couldn't lift my head, let alone drive... remember a conversation of sorts.... maybe not.
I was right about him... he was trapped in there, manipulated, controlled. In the end he left it, I can feel him in the back of my head now, getting used to it, becoming comfortable. I'm glad I was able to save my old friend.
She wouldn't let me destroy the body. I can't blame her, she dosen't understand yet, that he isn't resident anymore... So much rage.... I wish she hadn't been witness to it. Maybe if Z. hadn't been nearby, but I'm glad she was..... I told her I was right..... if she believes me I don't know.
I saved an old friend, I just hope I haven't destroyed another.... more later, must sleep.
Shampoo & Searching the Past...
Published .
[originally posted 11/10/2005]
We had a great crowd last night. Good to see lots of new faces. I've been trying to make it a point ot take over some of the hosting duties by greeting everyone who comes in and I met some very interesting people that way.
Of course I was hoping that I could spill the beans on the nuptials but I didn't get the chance. However after the party ran down a bit I was allowed to whisper in A.'s ear. She was shocked and pleased and promised to spread the news on all the smuggler nets. Which means by now everyone knows. It was a nice quiet celebration. I couldn't get the scent of A.'s shampoo out of my nose for several hours afterward.
Earlier I had asked her to keep an eye out, I'm still looking for the rest of the old text, detailing the prophecy and why the Seer's left the order. I have most of it and I think I understand, but there are parts about application and focus missing...
They left because the whole idea of balance was being left behind by the majority of the order. The author mentions someone named Yoda.... a disagreement over how to interpret visions and future probability.... I do think that this Yoda had some good things to say, even if he didn't leave with the rest...
It'll be interesting to see if A--- can come through, she reminds me of me in the old days. Always hustling, always running, sometimes from herself. Although not to the degree I was.
*deep inhale* I need to find out what she uses for shampoo....
We had a great crowd last night. Good to see lots of new faces. I've been trying to make it a point ot take over some of the hosting duties by greeting everyone who comes in and I met some very interesting people that way.
Of course I was hoping that I could spill the beans on the nuptials but I didn't get the chance. However after the party ran down a bit I was allowed to whisper in A.'s ear. She was shocked and pleased and promised to spread the news on all the smuggler nets. Which means by now everyone knows. It was a nice quiet celebration. I couldn't get the scent of A.'s shampoo out of my nose for several hours afterward.
Earlier I had asked her to keep an eye out, I'm still looking for the rest of the old text, detailing the prophecy and why the Seer's left the order. I have most of it and I think I understand, but there are parts about application and focus missing...
They left because the whole idea of balance was being left behind by the majority of the order. The author mentions someone named Yoda.... a disagreement over how to interpret visions and future probability.... I do think that this Yoda had some good things to say, even if he didn't leave with the rest...
It'll be interesting to see if A--- can come through, she reminds me of me in the old days. Always hustling, always running, sometimes from herself. Although not to the degree I was.
*deep inhale* I need to find out what she uses for shampoo....
Jealousy & Joy.
Published .
[originally posted 11/8/2005]
I’m happy for them, I truly am. They are so deserving of each other and so good to and for each other that I’m surprised it didn’t happen within seconds of their re-acquaintance. I love her and am glad she’s happy, she deserves it, he’ll protect her well and I can feel comfortable stepping away from that role. I feel the darkness is behind her now, she trusts herself enough to get married.
I found out just by running into them in Dearic. Holding hands at the starport like teenagers. Quite cute actually. She said I was one of the first to know, which is fine, if they weren’t going to invite anyone then I certainly shouldn’t be an exception. I blessed them both and offered them the bunker for the next few days, the security system should stop anyone from bothering them for awhile, after all the two of them are still being hunted.
Looking at the two of them in the starport was strange in a way; the connective bond I felt through the force was tangible, like I could touch it…. I probably shouldn’t have but I tweaked it, they should be able to feel each other no matter where they are on the known worlds now. I gave up a bit of myself to do it, but it’s the most perfect wedding present I could give to my sister and new brother. I made a show of giving him my secure contact information, not that I need it to track him or her for that matter. I’ve felt their minds, I can find them wherever I need to. My that sounded sinister, didn’t it? Not meant too, this is my family, these are the ones I’ll sacrifice myself for down the road… that time is coming sooner then I want it to.
I was a bit jealous of course, I’ve been lonely…. The isolation is good for my talent, and bad for my heart. The dream of a family, the dream of a peaceful night in the Talusian Mountains with only family’s laughter in the air. I think that’s gone for me. Someone pointed out that I was hiding again. They didn’t mean in the shadows, they meant in my interactions. And they are absolutely right. The operative in me has come back. I’ve put on the old public face, because I don’t want them to know what I truly plan….. Someone has to stop it, and I doubt that the person who does will remain in one piece…. I have bled enough and caused enough blood, it’s almost time to do that one final time….
I’m glad the two of them found each other before I have to leave them…. It makes it easier.
Dedicated to Ky------ & Z---- Congratulations!
I’m happy for them, I truly am. They are so deserving of each other and so good to and for each other that I’m surprised it didn’t happen within seconds of their re-acquaintance. I love her and am glad she’s happy, she deserves it, he’ll protect her well and I can feel comfortable stepping away from that role. I feel the darkness is behind her now, she trusts herself enough to get married.
I found out just by running into them in Dearic. Holding hands at the starport like teenagers. Quite cute actually. She said I was one of the first to know, which is fine, if they weren’t going to invite anyone then I certainly shouldn’t be an exception. I blessed them both and offered them the bunker for the next few days, the security system should stop anyone from bothering them for awhile, after all the two of them are still being hunted.
Looking at the two of them in the starport was strange in a way; the connective bond I felt through the force was tangible, like I could touch it…. I probably shouldn’t have but I tweaked it, they should be able to feel each other no matter where they are on the known worlds now. I gave up a bit of myself to do it, but it’s the most perfect wedding present I could give to my sister and new brother. I made a show of giving him my secure contact information, not that I need it to track him or her for that matter. I’ve felt their minds, I can find them wherever I need to. My that sounded sinister, didn’t it? Not meant too, this is my family, these are the ones I’ll sacrifice myself for down the road… that time is coming sooner then I want it to.
I was a bit jealous of course, I’ve been lonely…. The isolation is good for my talent, and bad for my heart. The dream of a family, the dream of a peaceful night in the Talusian Mountains with only family’s laughter in the air. I think that’s gone for me. Someone pointed out that I was hiding again. They didn’t mean in the shadows, they meant in my interactions. And they are absolutely right. The operative in me has come back. I’ve put on the old public face, because I don’t want them to know what I truly plan….. Someone has to stop it, and I doubt that the person who does will remain in one piece…. I have bled enough and caused enough blood, it’s almost time to do that one final time….
I’m glad the two of them found each other before I have to leave them…. It makes it easier.
Dedicated to Ky------ & Z---- Congratulations!
Fire & Dust...
Published .
[originally posted 11/1/2005]
This planet is the armpit of hell. Hot, dusty, oppressive, and lightyears removed from the mountains of my home. I should hate this place, or not enjoy it. But for some reason I like it. This is a solitary place, the treasure hunters and those compelled to come here are quite evident, yet the lavafields and bugs provide me an environment where I can be wrapped in the bubble. It's like being in a constant state of target preparedness. I haven't felt this healthy since I ran weapons for the Alliance.
And the knowledge I've gained here in just a few days..... I don't understand it all yet, but the crystals, the power that comes from them is immense, tempting, yet not tainted by any use, it's like the lava of this world has burned out any desire in them. They exist to be used, not for some lost wielder's still existant plans and aims. I think studying them and the data from the shrines I may very well be able to create devices that tap into the force itself. It's refreshing to find tools not tainted by this old conflict.
Old conflict *chuckle*
There I go, falling into the language of these 'new' jedi and 'new' sith. This isn't an old conflict. This is a ressurected excuse for individual grabs for power and a misguided defense by people who idealize the past.
The jedi failed because of their white tower, and the new sith are nothing to those who won.
So much blood.... and excuses for more.
This planet is the armpit of hell. Hot, dusty, oppressive, and lightyears removed from the mountains of my home. I should hate this place, or not enjoy it. But for some reason I like it. This is a solitary place, the treasure hunters and those compelled to come here are quite evident, yet the lavafields and bugs provide me an environment where I can be wrapped in the bubble. It's like being in a constant state of target preparedness. I haven't felt this healthy since I ran weapons for the Alliance.
And the knowledge I've gained here in just a few days..... I don't understand it all yet, but the crystals, the power that comes from them is immense, tempting, yet not tainted by any use, it's like the lava of this world has burned out any desire in them. They exist to be used, not for some lost wielder's still existant plans and aims. I think studying them and the data from the shrines I may very well be able to create devices that tap into the force itself. It's refreshing to find tools not tainted by this old conflict.
Old conflict *chuckle*
There I go, falling into the language of these 'new' jedi and 'new' sith. This isn't an old conflict. This is a ressurected excuse for individual grabs for power and a misguided defense by people who idealize the past.
The jedi failed because of their white tower, and the new sith are nothing to those who won.
So much blood.... and excuses for more.
[originally posted 10/28/2005]
I've been meditating for days, I finally built the secure facility that I've needed, it's quiet, safe and I don't need to worry about being ambushed by the contractors hired to go after me. It's located near the old trails, and the original shrine I learned to meditate at. I've truly found my place of rest and retreat.
I've been pondering the question of my cowardice, my level of disgust, my hate...
I don't like what C--- has done. I recognize he needs to pay for his crimes, but what he's done hasn't been to me personally, because of that I'm the most likely to be least affected by anger and rage when I make him pay. I see this in the cards. I will of course attempt to put him off balance, to consider the thought that he could come back from the hole he's dug. Contrary to his own opinion it isn't a grave.
I left my meditation becaues B----- invited me to take part in a council he had set up concerning the danger of C---. I tried to be the voice of reason... I tried to point out that we cannot become anger, fear, and resentment in order to beat him. But the sad fact is that he's already won that battle to a degree. Those in the room were entirely too ready to change themselves in order to combat the threat. Change should come from within and growth, not outside forces of decay like him.
I felt seperate and alone, I finally needed to leave before I called them all fools.... but I fear it's too late.... leaving probably made that message all the more clear, perhaps though it is only because I've been seeing visions of blood the last few days, time to walk again, to move and breathe... Perhaps the new opportunities on Mustafar will cause my visions to become more clear..... Even if not I'm sure there's something there to get my mind off it....
Unfortunately that also usually causes blood stains.
I've been meditating for days, I finally built the secure facility that I've needed, it's quiet, safe and I don't need to worry about being ambushed by the contractors hired to go after me. It's located near the old trails, and the original shrine I learned to meditate at. I've truly found my place of rest and retreat.
I've been pondering the question of my cowardice, my level of disgust, my hate...
I don't like what C--- has done. I recognize he needs to pay for his crimes, but what he's done hasn't been to me personally, because of that I'm the most likely to be least affected by anger and rage when I make him pay. I see this in the cards. I will of course attempt to put him off balance, to consider the thought that he could come back from the hole he's dug. Contrary to his own opinion it isn't a grave.
I left my meditation becaues B----- invited me to take part in a council he had set up concerning the danger of C---. I tried to be the voice of reason... I tried to point out that we cannot become anger, fear, and resentment in order to beat him. But the sad fact is that he's already won that battle to a degree. Those in the room were entirely too ready to change themselves in order to combat the threat. Change should come from within and growth, not outside forces of decay like him.
I felt seperate and alone, I finally needed to leave before I called them all fools.... but I fear it's too late.... leaving probably made that message all the more clear, perhaps though it is only because I've been seeing visions of blood the last few days, time to walk again, to move and breathe... Perhaps the new opportunities on Mustafar will cause my visions to become more clear..... Even if not I'm sure there's something there to get my mind off it....
Unfortunately that also usually causes blood stains.
Cowardice or Discretion?
Published .
[originally posted 10/25/2005]
I've learned how to wrap the shadows around me, I've been living there so long that I can do it in the daylight now.... and it's probably the coolest trick I've come up with, though the source concerns me...
I've been learning more about C. I watched him meet with those men who surround Z. Picking at them, trying to gain paths to power, although I think he likes the fact that it causes her pain as a side benefit.
He met K. at the ruins outside RS. Talking about the book that he needs, and K's blood. Without warning he beat K. to a pulp, the blood on his hand may be enough, although my gift tells me he needs it all. I watched from the shadows, I tried to send some healing and strength K's way but it did nothing to change the end result. I'm not sure anything would have if I was to remain in the shadows.... and that is my concern. Am I truly a coward? Or am I exercising wisdom in knowing that I cannot challenge someone who rips the life out of people with his mind?
It got even worse when Z. showed up.... I couldn't do anything to help her either..... if I had then there would have been nobody to get them medical attention...
How come I feel like I'm rationalizing..... maybe that old text I discovered will help me find an answer, although it may just help me find more blood on my hands....
I've learned how to wrap the shadows around me, I've been living there so long that I can do it in the daylight now.... and it's probably the coolest trick I've come up with, though the source concerns me...
I've been learning more about C. I watched him meet with those men who surround Z. Picking at them, trying to gain paths to power, although I think he likes the fact that it causes her pain as a side benefit.
He met K. at the ruins outside RS. Talking about the book that he needs, and K's blood. Without warning he beat K. to a pulp, the blood on his hand may be enough, although my gift tells me he needs it all. I watched from the shadows, I tried to send some healing and strength K's way but it did nothing to change the end result. I'm not sure anything would have if I was to remain in the shadows.... and that is my concern. Am I truly a coward? Or am I exercising wisdom in knowing that I cannot challenge someone who rips the life out of people with his mind?
It got even worse when Z. showed up.... I couldn't do anything to help her either..... if I had then there would have been nobody to get them medical attention...
How come I feel like I'm rationalizing..... maybe that old text I discovered will help me find an answer, although it may just help me find more blood on my hands....
Rage...
Published .
[originally posted 10/19/2005]
The lock popped open this morning, the data I'd been looking at finally clicked into a form I could understand. I was still seething from the stupid mistakes I made last night, getting angrier and angrier with myself....if I was going to do what I did I shouldn't have been caught. I was stewing, stepping off the blade into the dark part of myself.... when the data fell into place, I understood what it meant.... I could touch that part of my power..... the carpet started to singe under my feet as the air began to heat..... I understand now why the attraction is so strong.... the path to power is very tempting...
I need to watch it, stepping off the blade may be nessecary, but coming back has to be possible. I just hope I recognize that point.
The lock popped open this morning, the data I'd been looking at finally clicked into a form I could understand. I was still seething from the stupid mistakes I made last night, getting angrier and angrier with myself....if I was going to do what I did I shouldn't have been caught. I was stewing, stepping off the blade into the dark part of myself.... when the data fell into place, I understood what it meant.... I could touch that part of my power..... the carpet started to singe under my feet as the air began to heat..... I understand now why the attraction is so strong.... the path to power is very tempting...
I need to watch it, stepping off the blade may be nessecary, but coming back has to be possible. I just hope I recognize that point.
Casual Conversation?
Published .
[originally posted 10/18/2005]
I hope she meant it, I'm never quite sure, it wasn't innuendo or even particularly earthshattering, but she said I was family. It was just matter of fact. My senses didn't detect any falsehood or anything, but it still shocks me. I may honestly be getting a real place to be again. To not be lonely again. I wonder if he feels the same way or if it's just her. I mean I envy them, and maybe even love them. But to be accepted so easily makes me look for the hidden blaster.
*sigh* I've been at this too long..... I'm tired. And I'm overthinking.
Tonight Ky did something extremely stupid. He got three of our troopers killed doing it. Meeting C to find some kind of book, he's truly an idiot. I lost it, I wanted to shove the feel of them dying down his throat, show him the stupidity of any kind of trust. But then again I would have done the same thing. I just wouldn't have left first.
*sigh* I need a warm bed.... preferably with someone in it.
Peace...
Published .
[originally posted 10/10/2005]
Tempting.... I found another bit of lore today.... more about my heritage, explanations of the cards, the cocoon. The tunnel vision. I know now why I long so much for a family...
My abilities are directly tied to my relationships.... that's why I have such trouble determining M.'s next move. I don't really know him except by reputation. I'm growing in power, defensive and offensive. But I'm also growing in weakness.... in the old days I would have compensated with spice, but I can't do that anymore. I meditate, but the sounds of cards shuffling in my head dosen't bring peace.
Peace only comes from resting in the place where I have a target....and that scares me.
Tempting.... I found another bit of lore today.... more about my heritage, explanations of the cards, the cocoon. The tunnel vision. I know now why I long so much for a family...
My abilities are directly tied to my relationships.... that's why I have such trouble determining M.'s next move. I don't really know him except by reputation. I'm growing in power, defensive and offensive. But I'm also growing in weakness.... in the old days I would have compensated with spice, but I can't do that anymore. I meditate, but the sounds of cards shuffling in my head dosen't bring peace.
Peace only comes from resting in the place where I have a target....and that scares me.
Another night... lonely in a crowd.
Published .
[originally posted 10/6/2005]
Interesting duty this week at the Jam. Z is still nowhere to be found, checked every haunt I know about, and some she probably didn't know I knew about. We had a decent showing, although without her promotional skills it was a bit low on attendence. Quiet though, which was nice. It's always a bit hard for me to work security at those things, I never get to spend enough time with people I haven't seen in a while, then again they don't understand where I am now so it often just makes me feel more isolated to be with them anyway.
R noticed I was 'connected' for the first time tonight, called herself the sister of Z. Will have to get that story later. She attempted to call my path into doubt, want's to train me.... *laugh* .... I told her nobody alive could train me. I've not met one force sensitive person yet with the ability to recieve visions, to sense probability, there are muttering in the records I've found... of something called a seer, I believe I must be descended from that...
C. was there of course, but things were remarkably quiet between he and K. Interesting to watch of course. T and his new girl K were also in prominent view.Afterwards I met up with A & R, they are an interesting couple, good thing I was a bit drunk and fell asleep, tempting.... but not ultimately where I want to go.... I need to watch that, the longing and companionship is getting too hard to ignore, I'm going to make a mistake.... it's going to cost me more than I want to admit, the dice are rolling and the cards are spinning. I can feel them in the background. Unfortunately it's my own fate that's getting wagered.
Interesting duty this week at the Jam. Z is still nowhere to be found, checked every haunt I know about, and some she probably didn't know I knew about. We had a decent showing, although without her promotional skills it was a bit low on attendence. Quiet though, which was nice. It's always a bit hard for me to work security at those things, I never get to spend enough time with people I haven't seen in a while, then again they don't understand where I am now so it often just makes me feel more isolated to be with them anyway.
R noticed I was 'connected' for the first time tonight, called herself the sister of Z. Will have to get that story later. She attempted to call my path into doubt, want's to train me.... *laugh* .... I told her nobody alive could train me. I've not met one force sensitive person yet with the ability to recieve visions, to sense probability, there are muttering in the records I've found... of something called a seer, I believe I must be descended from that...
C. was there of course, but things were remarkably quiet between he and K. Interesting to watch of course. T and his new girl K were also in prominent view.Afterwards I met up with A & R, they are an interesting couple, good thing I was a bit drunk and fell asleep, tempting.... but not ultimately where I want to go.... I need to watch that, the longing and companionship is getting too hard to ignore, I'm going to make a mistake.... it's going to cost me more than I want to admit, the dice are rolling and the cards are spinning. I can feel them in the background. Unfortunately it's my own fate that's getting wagered.
The Shady side of Life, with Cookies...
Published .
[originally posted 10/5/2005]
He was the dirtiest kid I'd ever seen...
Early on in my misadventures, long ago, when I first worked as a liason between Jabba and the Alliance I was moving some weapons between Tat and Dant. I didn't know anything was wrong until I showed up on Dant and was accused of slavery!
Turns out that a street rat had climbed into the cargo hold. Or at least it looked like one. I couldn't just let him out that way so I got him cleaned up, a suit of clothes, and tried to drop him with the orphanage... I remember taking him to his first hot meal, he ordered cookies. *chuckle* I kept trying to drop him off at that orphanage but the little squirt grew on me... he turned into a fairly decent shot too.... didn't hurt that he was a good distraction when I had to get through customs, he'd flirt with any girl he could spot.
When I had to go undercover I lost track of him, but now he's in the unit. I feel something is off with him... he seeks something.... I hope he finds it without destroying himself.
Anyway, that's why I always have cookies on 'The Crucible'.... because a scruffy kid used to like em.
He was the dirtiest kid I'd ever seen...
Early on in my misadventures, long ago, when I first worked as a liason between Jabba and the Alliance I was moving some weapons between Tat and Dant. I didn't know anything was wrong until I showed up on Dant and was accused of slavery!
Turns out that a street rat had climbed into the cargo hold. Or at least it looked like one. I couldn't just let him out that way so I got him cleaned up, a suit of clothes, and tried to drop him with the orphanage... I remember taking him to his first hot meal, he ordered cookies. *chuckle* I kept trying to drop him off at that orphanage but the little squirt grew on me... he turned into a fairly decent shot too.... didn't hurt that he was a good distraction when I had to get through customs, he'd flirt with any girl he could spot.
When I had to go undercover I lost track of him, but now he's in the unit. I feel something is off with him... he seeks something.... I hope he finds it without destroying himself.
Anyway, that's why I always have cookies on 'The Crucible'.... because a scruffy kid used to like em.
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(This blog is a fictional journal of a character from the game Star Wars Galaxies. An MMORPG with a strong roleplaying community. Thanks to all the people I play with in the Sunrunner Galaxy. I couldn't tell this story without you.) Clear Skies, ~Noel
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