~Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
[originally posted 12/6/2005]
Why do I continue to allow the past to determine my future?
Interesting meditation topic. The idea of things is often more powerful then the reality. The subjugation of the force into light and dark is an idea. The reality is that the person using the force and the intent they have at the time is what determines what consequences they pay for using the tool available to them. Selfish, controlling, changing direction of the forces natural tendency leads to higher consequences and more effective action. Yet moving within the 'will' of the force leads to less explosion and more long term sustainability.
So why is it that when I try to find balance and think I've achieved it I find holes in myself? Because growth is not static. There will always be a hole, sometimes filled by the actuality of the 'idea' I think provides a fix, sometimes by something different but just as sustaining and strengthening, if not more so.
It is only the idea of the past that holds power, the actuality of the present and future can be filled by whatever the force provides, it flows, it shifts, it even fills, if one allows it.
I've found one of the holes, and the physical representation of the idea that would fill it before I started down this path.... is available.... but it is unfair to lay that idea over the actuality of the person. And do I even want to fill that hole with some concept of what I wanted when I was younger....
Ghosts.... voices.... His included.... I used to be stronger than this. His voice holds on to every bit of regret or pain that I allow to pass through my mind.
I've gotten rest.... maybe that's the answer. I get rest in it.... but do I deserve that? Am I done repairing the damage I'd done before? Is anyone ever going to be?
Only two more deathsticks in the pack... I need to get to a city.
Why do I continue to allow the past to determine my future?
Interesting meditation topic. The idea of things is often more powerful then the reality. The subjugation of the force into light and dark is an idea. The reality is that the person using the force and the intent they have at the time is what determines what consequences they pay for using the tool available to them. Selfish, controlling, changing direction of the forces natural tendency leads to higher consequences and more effective action. Yet moving within the 'will' of the force leads to less explosion and more long term sustainability.
So why is it that when I try to find balance and think I've achieved it I find holes in myself? Because growth is not static. There will always be a hole, sometimes filled by the actuality of the 'idea' I think provides a fix, sometimes by something different but just as sustaining and strengthening, if not more so.
It is only the idea of the past that holds power, the actuality of the present and future can be filled by whatever the force provides, it flows, it shifts, it even fills, if one allows it.
I've found one of the holes, and the physical representation of the idea that would fill it before I started down this path.... is available.... but it is unfair to lay that idea over the actuality of the person. And do I even want to fill that hole with some concept of what I wanted when I was younger....
Ghosts.... voices.... His included.... I used to be stronger than this. His voice holds on to every bit of regret or pain that I allow to pass through my mind.
I've gotten rest.... maybe that's the answer. I get rest in it.... but do I deserve that? Am I done repairing the damage I'd done before? Is anyone ever going to be?
Only two more deathsticks in the pack... I need to get to a city.
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(This blog is a fictional journal of a character from the game Star Wars Galaxies. An MMORPG with a strong roleplaying community. Thanks to all the people I play with in the Sunrunner Galaxy. I couldn't tell this story without you.) Clear Skies, ~Noel
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