~Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
[Noelyci is speaking with Devia Darkrider, a friend and companion, they've been dancing around commitment to each other for quite a while. From his perspective he loves her, but dosen't want to hurt her.]
She's sleeping now... I can't stop smiling remembering our conversation...
I started sipping my scotch rather then using it to avoid seeing the faces... they were fading anyway. She was beautiful, as always... told me she'd had one of those rare lazy days, enjoying the sunlight on her face... the fire she'd made... she seemed truly at peace in that place, where she used to camp with her pets. I felt pain, and a commitment to justice, but not regret... not the mind numbing regret that I always feared for her... feared for myself.
I realized I was standing on that cliff, and that she was once again my lifeline... don't know if she understood that she was ever that to me. I remember when I recovered her after the loss of her pets. She was distraught, thought her life had no meaning since she'd lost her children when I found her she was curled in a fetal position and had decided to die... Living in a nightmare... I used what she taught me to talk to her in that dream... and she made the choice to come back from that place. I had to make a concious choice to allow myself to be talked down... but she does that better then anyone... always has.
We talked about what I had done, the murder, the quiet battles that the target never saw coming. The balancing act I put myself through, to know that what I do is monstrous in it's act. To regret.... it takes something from me each time.... some part of the scale in my heart must be balanced... it's why I spend so much time in the mountains away from the unit now... meditating, repairing my heart. It was strange, but spending time with the beautiful woman, who I had been so worried about... did more for me then a week hiking the trails. That realization floored me... We'd been taking comfort in each other so long... while avoiding more permanent commitments.
I do love her... have even told her... I've been coming round to the idea that maybe my actions don't invalidate my deservedness. Maybe taking comfort in someone you love, for the rest of your life, has nothing to do with what you've done in the past or what you have to do...
There was still a concern... our conversation had moved to what was holding us back from peace... she said that she wished I would allow her to help... with the stormtroopers, the balance, the teaching... whatever. The unspoken message came through our mental link anyway. She just wanted to be with me... knowing what I'd been, was, and probably would be... she didn't see a monster, she would do whatever nessecary to spend part of her life with me. Somewhat surprisingly, my heart answered just as strongly... but there was still a voice in the back of my head...
I believe I asked, "If what we're talking about is what we're talking about... you should know I have prior vows which I can't break... I have godchildren, a family, the only one I've ever known... how fair would it be trying to build a life together when I might have to go die for them?"... my heart breaking knowing that what I was asking wasn't fair... for her to go through life with me, yet know I might not come back... would be willing to risk her happiness for prior vows. Risk her safety with me for others... was there any future in that.
My heart isn't broken... she said she'd help me protect anything important to me... would love anything I did. Totally shocked me... so I returned the favor.
I'd bought the rings a long time ago... I'd like to say that they were picked out especially for her. But they weren't... Just a platinum set I spotted in my smuggling days... don't know why I didn't sell them, but they'd been in my sabacc pouch ever since... kind of a lucky charm. An ideal I still faintly hoped for... the time I could use them to marry and retire... since I'd become force sensitive I'd been playing with gadget's... these were evident that I hadn't given up on the dream...
I kneeled to giver her a shock... proposed right then and there.... She accepted.
She's sleeping now... I can't stop smiling remembering our conversation...
I started sipping my scotch rather then using it to avoid seeing the faces... they were fading anyway. She was beautiful, as always... told me she'd had one of those rare lazy days, enjoying the sunlight on her face... the fire she'd made... she seemed truly at peace in that place, where she used to camp with her pets. I felt pain, and a commitment to justice, but not regret... not the mind numbing regret that I always feared for her... feared for myself.
I realized I was standing on that cliff, and that she was once again my lifeline... don't know if she understood that she was ever that to me. I remember when I recovered her after the loss of her pets. She was distraught, thought her life had no meaning since she'd lost her children when I found her she was curled in a fetal position and had decided to die... Living in a nightmare... I used what she taught me to talk to her in that dream... and she made the choice to come back from that place. I had to make a concious choice to allow myself to be talked down... but she does that better then anyone... always has.
We talked about what I had done, the murder, the quiet battles that the target never saw coming. The balancing act I put myself through, to know that what I do is monstrous in it's act. To regret.... it takes something from me each time.... some part of the scale in my heart must be balanced... it's why I spend so much time in the mountains away from the unit now... meditating, repairing my heart. It was strange, but spending time with the beautiful woman, who I had been so worried about... did more for me then a week hiking the trails. That realization floored me... We'd been taking comfort in each other so long... while avoiding more permanent commitments.
I do love her... have even told her... I've been coming round to the idea that maybe my actions don't invalidate my deservedness. Maybe taking comfort in someone you love, for the rest of your life, has nothing to do with what you've done in the past or what you have to do...
There was still a concern... our conversation had moved to what was holding us back from peace... she said that she wished I would allow her to help... with the stormtroopers, the balance, the teaching... whatever. The unspoken message came through our mental link anyway. She just wanted to be with me... knowing what I'd been, was, and probably would be... she didn't see a monster, she would do whatever nessecary to spend part of her life with me. Somewhat surprisingly, my heart answered just as strongly... but there was still a voice in the back of my head...
I believe I asked, "If what we're talking about is what we're talking about... you should know I have prior vows which I can't break... I have godchildren, a family, the only one I've ever known... how fair would it be trying to build a life together when I might have to go die for them?"... my heart breaking knowing that what I was asking wasn't fair... for her to go through life with me, yet know I might not come back... would be willing to risk her happiness for prior vows. Risk her safety with me for others... was there any future in that.
My heart isn't broken... she said she'd help me protect anything important to me... would love anything I did. Totally shocked me... so I returned the favor.
I'd bought the rings a long time ago... I'd like to say that they were picked out especially for her. But they weren't... Just a platinum set I spotted in my smuggling days... don't know why I didn't sell them, but they'd been in my sabacc pouch ever since... kind of a lucky charm. An ideal I still faintly hoped for... the time I could use them to marry and retire... since I'd become force sensitive I'd been playing with gadget's... these were evident that I hadn't given up on the dream...
I kneeled to giver her a shock... proposed right then and there.... She accepted.
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(This blog is a fictional journal of a character from the game Star Wars Galaxies. An MMORPG with a strong roleplaying community. Thanks to all the people I play with in the Sunrunner Galaxy. I couldn't tell this story without you.) Clear Skies, ~Noel
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