[Noelyci absorbed the pain and regret of a dark jedi when trying to save him, it is a constant voice in his head. In addition he has telepathy with those he cares for if they can use the force. Currently he's flying to Dantooine after battle.]
I was talking to her before I reached Dantooine... it's so easy to reach out and speak with her now. I remember when it was a shock. She's the first person to ever speak in the back of my head... of course I have permanent voices there now... maybe that's why I feel like I'm a monster tonight. I know I did the right thing taking those permutations out of the future... I know I saved lives with every death, all 600 of them. And I know I'll pay the consequence... seeing their faces in my dreams... my meditations. It's part of paying the price, keeping the balance...
I don't believe in dark and light... not the way the rest of the Jedi 'Order' does. I believe that the reason people fall to the 'dark' is that they feel justified and try to avoid the cost. I know I do evil, horrible, painful things... and I do it willingly. I'm trying to prepare the day when there will be a better government for the future generations, and I will be lucky if I can set aside this part of my life and be part of it with them... but it isn't nessecary.
She disagrees with me on that point... but I'm not sure if it's because she feels I need hope... or that she's afraid I will make my life cheap when forced to finally use it as the final shield. In the old republic, the old order which everyone remembers and is not trying to be replicated I would probably pursue the Guardian's path. I am the shield for those I love... I protect by doing what I would save them from doing, paying the cost I don't want them to face.
I found that that's part of being a Seer. Relationships. I understand the permutations and flows of the force because I see the emotional connections I myself have. That was something else she taught me. I was trained by intel to work the emotions, see the angles, understand that the levers which most moved people were not monetary or titular, but emotional. I truly didn't understand until I met my empath what that meant. I do know that I need it to remain connected to the force... to use these abilities I need love. Love of family, love of friends.... love of....
D. has a point though... I'm no more a monster then she is. Then any of us. As long as we pay the cost... as long as we allow people to choose... as long as we recognize that there are some things you cannot do... like blow up planets full of non-combatants... like Alderann. She's gone inside to get more scotch... she'll be back soon.
I should share with her that she helps me not feel so cold... so wrapped in the bubble. In fact I don't think this warm feeling growing comes from the scotch. Maybe now is the time to tell her about the previous vows. To my goddaughter, to my sister... to those I love. Maybe this relationship is part of my redemption...
(This blog is a fictional journal of a character from the game Star Wars Galaxies. An MMORPG with a strong roleplaying community. Thanks to all the people I play with in the Sunrunner Galaxy. I couldn't tell this story without you.)
Clear Skies, ~Noel
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