~Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
[originally posted 6/25/2005]
There's this spot inside me.... this deep cavernous place, wrapped in black cotton.... when I'm there I can barely speak to anyone not appearing in the ray of light. And what appears in that light dies. I control what appears.... I focus it into being, I can reach out and touch it from 80 meters away. Caress it softly if I choose, though there is no desire here. Crush it if I like, because it is nessecary, but not from anger. Here there is nothing but the work, the target, the job, the single act of knowing before I move, before I breathe, what is going to happen to the target. That it will die. That it will be an act of my will. No pain, No joy, no anger, Nothing but the focus....
The only other time I feel this way is when reading the cards.... but it's less an act of will then of revelation. I don't have to physically draw the cards anymore to know what they are. The odds of every sabacc hand dancing through the air behind me as it comes into focus like a target.....
The elders at the village are pleased.... they believe that I keep the passions down well when focusing like this. Little do they know that I've been increasing the dose on my uppers just to focus in the hunting groups I've been part of. I so want to be rid of them.... yet I need to learn control, I scare myself out of that spot.... inside the bubble I'm fine, but outside I look at the power and am scared..... I saw it destroy so many others....
I must step forward, if I don't how can I expect anyone else to?
There's this spot inside me.... this deep cavernous place, wrapped in black cotton.... when I'm there I can barely speak to anyone not appearing in the ray of light. And what appears in that light dies. I control what appears.... I focus it into being, I can reach out and touch it from 80 meters away. Caress it softly if I choose, though there is no desire here. Crush it if I like, because it is nessecary, but not from anger. Here there is nothing but the work, the target, the job, the single act of knowing before I move, before I breathe, what is going to happen to the target. That it will die. That it will be an act of my will. No pain, No joy, no anger, Nothing but the focus....
The only other time I feel this way is when reading the cards.... but it's less an act of will then of revelation. I don't have to physically draw the cards anymore to know what they are. The odds of every sabacc hand dancing through the air behind me as it comes into focus like a target.....
The elders at the village are pleased.... they believe that I keep the passions down well when focusing like this. Little do they know that I've been increasing the dose on my uppers just to focus in the hunting groups I've been part of. I so want to be rid of them.... yet I need to learn control, I scare myself out of that spot.... inside the bubble I'm fine, but outside I look at the power and am scared..... I saw it destroy so many others....
I must step forward, if I don't how can I expect anyone else to?
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(This blog is a fictional journal of a character from the game Star Wars Galaxies. An MMORPG with a strong roleplaying community. Thanks to all the people I play with in the Sunrunner Galaxy. I couldn't tell this story without you.) Clear Skies, ~Noel
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